A really close friend and I were talking chatting,
this afternoon over Viber while I was trying to reorganize my room for the
millionth time. We talked about a lot of stuff; we talked about the things we
did when we were younger, our good ol’ college days and of course the guys that
we dated. We visited our exes’ Facebook pages and tried to get some hints on
where they are now and what they look like. And we both have the same
conclusion, “thank god we didn't end up together”. They’re not really that bad they're actually family men now,
we just think that if our relationships worked out, we won’t be able to do the
things that we were or still able to do. For sure, we would be married by now,
have kids and maybe become full-time housewives. God, I can’t picture myself not going
to work every day! We had a good laugh and then out of the blue my friend asked
me this question: Would you rather be the dumpee or the dumper?
I've been both the dumper and the dumpee at some point of my life, but I've always been a dumper. No, it's not a proud moment for me. In fact, I see it as my weakest point. I am a commitmentphobe, so basically I am pistanthrophobic as well. Pistanthrophobia if you ask is a fear of trusting people. If you dig deep or read through my posts in this blog you will know that this fear is caused by the things that happened before I've even reached my teenage years. My father was my most favorite person in the world. My father and I did almost all things together, I was the typical daddy's girl. Then a terrible thing happened, my parents broke up when I was still in second grade and from then on my brother and I stayed with my maternal grandparents while my mom was making a living here in the metro. My father used to write us letters every month, then the letters became cards that were only sent during our birthdays and Christmases and after a couple of years he just stopped. From fourth grade to college I had no contact with him. And because of that I've come to accept that you can't trust anyone because even your greatest personal superhero won't be there for you.
So much of the history and flashbacks (I'm teary-eyed again, when will this ever stop?) now back to the real reason why I'm writing this blog post. I'm a scaredy-cat when it comes to relationships, when I feel that it's getting serious I back out like I'm on autopilot. Hence, the dumper. If you think that the dumpers' situation is easier... no, it's definitely not! But because I have this selfish thought that I'd rather be someone who will cause pain now than be pained on a greater scale later, it justifies me being the dumper.
I've experienced being the dumpee too more than I wanted to be. And that's one of the reasons why I became a dumper. Being a dumpee brings your morale so low that it will reach the center of the earth and it'll be hard for you to bring it back up. It'll take too much work and time to bring it back to the face of the earth. And when you're able to do so, you open up and then unknowingly you're sinking back to the center of the earth once again. It's a vicious cycle. It's like you're only given time to stand back up just so they'll be able to push you down once again.
Now that I thought about it I realized that I need to shed my selfish thoughts and faux strength and let things take it's natural course. I'd rather be hurt than be the person who causes hurt. I know it'll be hard for me because I love myself way too much to allow myself to be pained but I know it is the right thing to do.
PS I actually don't leave a person because he doesn't like me or I don't like him (I can't say love, because it really is a big word for me. And I'll only be able to say it when I mean it.), actually it's the other way around. I leave him because I think I like him or he likes me too much and I'm afraid that I'll hurt myself in the process. Selfish, yes. Dumping someone is kind of a self-defense for me. But definitely not healthy emotionally. And so I came to a conclusion that from now on, I'd rather be the dumpee than the dumper. But if you're not in a healthy relationship and worst you're being abused, being a dumpee is not an option. Go ahead and dump that person ASAP!
