Father's Day Special

As a child I always wanted father who will give me piggy back rides during Sundays at the park, who’ll tuck me to bed and kiss me goodnight and who will give me little surprises when he gets home. I wanted a father that I can bring to every school activity, so that I can show him off to my friends for them to know how great my father is. I want a father who will help me solve Math problems, and who’ll drop and pick me up from school. I want my father to teach me how to ride a bike and drive a car. I also wanted a father who'll understand me, who knows every inch of me. Who'll cheer me up each time I'm down, and hug me and tell me everything's going to be alright. I want a father whom I can share all my thoughts and musings, and a father who'll always be there for me through thick and thin.

I grew up with a father who didn't give me piggy back rides and who wasn't able to tuck me in bed coz he left when I was young, but he gave us surprises though, not those little candy nor chocolate surprises, he surprised me by bringing home a lady I didn't know and a baby girl whom later I knew was my stepmother and my half sister. Isn't it surprising? No, it's not surprising, it's an understatement, it is shocking and very traumatic for me since I grew up as the only girl and the youngest in the family. My father never showed up in any of the memorable occasions of my life. He never made it to any graduation day in my life, he seemed to forgot my birthdays. He didn't teach me how to solve Math problems instead he gave me another equation problem which is our family + my stepmother + my step siblings. See? He isn't really far from the father I dreamt of. He don't cheer me up when I'm down coz he can never will. You know why he can't? Because often times he's the reason why I cry and feel down. He was never a father whom I can share my thoughts and musings 'coz he was nowhere to be found when I needed him the most, when I grazed my knee to the time that I broke my heart. I don't know why, but I can't completely get mad at him. If not because of him I wouldn't be here on earth, and because of our situation it motivated me to strive hard to show him that I can still reach my dreams even without him.

Now that I'm grown up, I can still feel the green-eyed monster inside me when I see him and my younger half-siblings cuddling. You can't blame me, can you? I never experienced that, I was deprived of a father's love and care. And he never show nor tell me that he loves me or just care about me.

But this morning I felt that he was loving me all along, it's just not obvious but he really did. He never stopped loving and caring for me and my brother all these years. I greeted him a 'happy father's day' this morning and gave him a peck on the cheek. he hugged me and told me that it's so nice hearing those words from me, i hugged him back and i started crying and sobbing like a child, I also told him that I missed the feeling of hugging and be hugged by him. If I can remember it well i think it was February or March of 1996 that I was last hugged by him, I can't really remember because it was such a long time ago. All I remember was the reason why he hugged me, it was because I was crying really, really hard. That was the time when he brought my step mom and my half sister who was about a month old that time, to our hometown. I was raging mad at the same time crying really hard that time 'coz it seems like everyone from my dad's family knew about it but us (me and my brother). And how do you expect an eleven year old girl react to that? It is more than a young girl can take. Anyway, so much of the drama, that's a part of my life that I don't want to remember, though my mom tells me that I shouldn't forget about that 'coz it's such a great factor that molded me to what I am now. Ok, back to what had happened earlier today, after hugging him I rushed to the door because I'm off to work, I just dropped by to greet him, also I don't want to mess my face with tears. When I looked back, I also saw him shedding some tears. That's when I realized that we never stopped loving each other, we're just afraid of showing it, afraid that what we do won't be reciprocated.

Pa, I love you, though I don't really show it, but i really do. I'm sorry for misunderstanding, for being rude at you and your family sometimes. and for not showing that I care. If you only knew that my only wish is your happiness. I don't care if I'd still be spending the rest of my life without you, as long as I know you're happy, I'll also be happy for you. If you're afraid of what future lies ahead of me if you'll leave me again, don't be. I'm a big girl now remember? I can take care of myself, whether here or in France. So, don't worry. Plus, there's always kuya and my mom who'll back me up, and of course there's you. Canada isn't that far from Philippines nor Paris, it's just a phone call away!