Being Human.

This is just ironic since my last post was about giving love a try and now I am writing about giving it up.

I know you can never say things like "relationship is not just for me", but I've been feeling that way ever since I could remember. I am a person that wants a relationship badly, but when it hits me in the face, automatically I want out. 

I am the person that wants all or nothing at all. It's either you choose me or lose me. I can't be the person that you just hang or chill with. And truth is I am not getting any younger, I can't be with someone just because we enjoy each other's company, no more no less. I want to be with someone who sees a future with me and I can see a future with. 

I didn't believe in relationships, but with you it's different, all bets were in. And I didn't care about the risks. But it's unfair for me that you just want to string me along with no assurance of a near nor distant future. And it's also not fair that I am not giving other guys a chance because I always seem to compare each of them to you. They can never be you. I'll never know.

What we had was fun, so much fun that I don't want to "end" it. But fun is no longer enough, I care for myself, and I know that you and I will never be something else but just in a limbo. More than friends but less than... I can not even say the word.

Too many loopholes in our borrowed story, and I just don't know what to believe in anymore. And I must be honest that it hurt when you told me last night that you could never lose me because I was never yours to begin with. I knew from the start what we were getting into, but it stings when it comes straight from you. It only confirms what I was so scared to think of. 

I never thought I'd feel that kind of pain again because I was so careful in guarding my emotions. But I must know by now that no amount of guarding will shield me from the pain. Nobody knew, but last night I felt like I was shattered to bits but I can't stay that way for long and had to pick the pieces back up.

I am embarking a new chapter in my life. Moving to a different country with a new job. It is overwhelming, but I think it is better for me. I've been lying to myself telling that it doesn't hurt, but it does. I am just fighting the emotions because it makes me vulnerable and human. And I can't allow that to happen anymore. 

But you must know that I don't harbor ill feelings towards you. I am just going to accept the fact that you are someone that I will never have. You will always have a special place in the hollow of my chest cavity.