This is
just ironic since my last post was about giving love a try and now I am writing
about giving it up.
I know
you can never say things like "relationship is not just for me", but
I've been feeling that way ever since I could remember. I am a person that
wants a relationship badly, but when it hits me in the face, automatically I
want out.
I am the
person that wants all or nothing at all. It's either you choose me or lose me.
I can't be the person that you just hang or chill with. And truth is I am not
getting any younger, I can't be with someone just because we enjoy each other's
company, no more no less. I want to be with someone who sees a future with me
and I can see a future with.
I didn't
believe in relationships, but with you it's different, all bets were in. And I
didn't care about the risks. But it's unfair for me that you just want to
string me along with no assurance of a near nor distant future. And it's also
not fair that I am not giving other guys a chance because I always seem to
compare each of them to you. They can never be you. I'll never know.
What we
had was fun, so much fun that I don't want to "end" it. But fun is no
longer enough, I care for myself, and I know that you and I will never be
something else but just in a limbo. More than friends but less than... I can
not even say the word.
Too many
loopholes in our borrowed story, and I just don't know what to believe in
anymore. And I must be honest that it hurt when you told me last night that you
could never lose me because I was never yours to begin with. I knew from the
start what we were getting into, but it stings when it comes straight from you.
It only confirms what I was so scared to think of.
I never
thought I'd feel that kind of pain again because I was so careful in guarding
my emotions. But I must know by now that no amount of guarding will shield me
from the pain. Nobody knew, but last night I felt like I was shattered to bits
but I can't stay that way for long and had to pick the pieces back up.
I am
embarking a new chapter in my life. Moving to a different country with a new
job. It is overwhelming, but I think it is better for me. I've been lying to
myself telling that it doesn't hurt, but it does. I am just fighting the
emotions because it makes me vulnerable and human. And I can't allow that to
happen anymore.
But you
must know that I don't harbor ill feelings towards you. I am just going to
accept the fact that you are someone that I will never have. You will always
have a special place in the hollow of my chest cavity.
