An Open Letter to Flappy Bird

Dear Flappy Bird,

You don’t know me but I know you pretty well. I’ve only known you for two days but you’ve already caused me so much pain. You made me think that I am not capable of taking care of you and you made me feel like such a loser, I’ve let you fall more than a thousand times already. If your bones can break maybe you’re powdered by now. That’s how many times I’ve let you hit the huge pipes. And that made me wonder why those pipes are even taller than those buildings in the city? Is that some kind of pipe mutation? And don’t get me started with you, with your inability to fly on your own. Is it because you’re overweight? I seriously think that you have to eat healthy, I’m guessing your BMI is out of bounds. If it’s normal you can just fly on your own like every normal avian and not depend on some humans to tap tap tap.

Flappy bird, it’s just TWO days but I’ve already given up on you. My mind told me to just give it time, but I know for a fact that you will just continue to let me down (or is it me that will continue to let you down?) and I don’t want to have that anxiety again. It’s just too much especially when it comes from a bird like you. You didn’t even care to give me at least a single medal. How could you? Most of the people on my FB newsfeed are showing of and here I am sitting in a corner curled up because I just can’t have what they have. And those are freaking medals!

I have to say goodbye to you for now. When I’m ready to face the pain again you’ll know it, I’ll be guiding your unproportioned wings coursing the city.

Not Yours,

Kriann

My Brother...

Day 27: Talk about your siblings.

I only have a brother, his name is Kristian. We've been living together for seven years now. I actually can't imagine life without him. He's been there for me ever since. He stood up for me when situation called for it. He also took the role of being my father. We had lots of fights growing up, like every normal siblings do. But when he went away to go to college that's the time I realized how lucky I was to have a brother like him. So when we were finally at the same place at the same time again, we made the most out of it. And so we're stuck with each other now. We're like joined at the hip. We tend to have the same set of friends. Mostly because he joins  me and my friends and I join him and his friends too. 

Four years back we had a disagreement. We didn't live together for half a year. It was one of the toughest moments of my life. He's the person that I turn to every time I'm having problems, but he's also the person that I was having problems with. Good thing we were able to patch things up. And we made a pact that we will never let any misunderstanding and disagreement come between us anymore.

But just early last year (2013), we had another disagreement, and this time it was because of the choice that I made. He was mad at me, I was mad at him for not letting me be happy. I was lovesick back then and it wasn't healthy at all. Instead of staying mad at me, he decided to be the bigger person and just let me be. Good thing realization hit me and one day I woke up and realized that my brother was right all along. After that incident we never talk about it and just move on with our lives.

This is My Religion

Day 26: Your religious beliefs

Religion is a sensitive topic not just for me but for most people as well. I was born and raised a catholic. I attend mass but not that often. I do pray especially when I need something. Admittedly, I'm not the perfect catholic woman. But growing up, I was the perfect catholic kid. I attended mass every Sunday, joined a Youth Camp (YFC). I was also used to praise and worship (household meetings) and bible studies. What happened after that? I don't know. Now I get to attend worship services for Victory church with my cousin and I'm also open in attending other religions' services. And it is more out of curiosity than choosing what religion I want to be in. I've already chosen my religion and I'm planning to stick with it till the ends of time.

Ways to Win my Heart

Day 25: Ten ways to win your heart.

I'm not sure if I get to ten because I'm pretty much easy to please. I don't need much in life.

1. That guy should be and must be human. These days you can never tell. Lots of pseudo humans have walked the face of the earth.
2. He should be able to keep up with a conversation. I speak so fast and he should be able to keep up. 
3. He should know how to loosen up and be crazy sometimes. I'm crazy so I want someone who won't judge my craziness.
4. He must eat egg yolks. I don't eat egg yolks so I want someone who'll allow me to put the egg yolk on his plate and not judge me (again).
5. A guy who loves to walk. Whenever I'm burn out, I walk. When I'm sad, I walk. When I'm full, I walk. When I'm happy, I walk. So pretty much I do a lot of walking.
6. He must also accept that at times I just want to be left alone. I want my space. No, I value my space so much.
7. He should not think that I love him less if I don't send him sweet nothings during the day. I'm not a fan of texting. Don't expect me to send you a text each time I do something (i.e. breathe, eat, drink, step, pee), I'll text you at the end of the day to let you know that I'm still alive and getting by with life.
8. Someone who'll let me dress the way I want to. I know what is appropriate and not so no need to lecture me.
9. Who will watch TV with me. And willing to stay on the couch with me the whole day.
10. I love traveling, so I want someone who wants to travel with me. I don't want someone who'll be spending time worrying where I am because he can't be with me because he doesn't want to travel.

Note: If #7 is not applicable to you, then consider yourself lucky. You are one of the few that I make an exemption to. 

I Want to Tell You...

Day 24: Things you want to say to five different people.

My mother:
Ma, thank you for always always being there for me and kuya. I can't thank you enough for the things you did for us. I know you're not perfect, but you are the perfect mother for us.

Brother:
Kuya, we have our disagreements about my choices and most of the times you were right. But you never gave up on me. You let me make mistakes and learn from them. Thank you for that. Thanks for being a brother, a father and a friend.

My English 1 teacher in college:
Mrs. Valbuena, thank you for all the encouragement and support. It's because of you my love for writing deepened. 

My Grandmother:
Mommy, thanks for diligently teaching me how to read and to play the piano. And for all the other stuff that you taught me. Also thank you for making me feel that I am worth it. For making up for the lack of father figure in my life. 

My exes:
Thanks guys for being a part of my life. It may not be a garden of roses but I still thank you nonetheless. At some point you made me happy, maybe happier than I was supposed to be. 

What If?

Day 23: Something you always think "what if" about.

“‘What’ and ‘if’ are two words as non-threatening as words can be, but put them together side by side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.” ~Letters to Juliet

I always say "no regrets", but sometimes I just want to think about the outcome of things if they happened differently. What if my parents didn't break up, will I be the same person as I am today? Will I still take the same course that I did in college? Will I still be a scaredy-cat when it comes to opening up myself to someone? Will I have the courage to leave my family in the province and work here in the metro?

These are just some questions I ask myself, and I know there's no way in hell I'll be able to get some answers.

10 Things About Me That Will Surprise You

Day 22: 10 things about you people don't really expect.

1. I am not as snob as I look. Yes, I get this impression all the time. I just fear rejection so if you don't smile at me first then don't expect me to do it. 
2. I may look like I know everything, but I don't. I could spew useless trivia but I am in no way a genius or an enlightened one.
3. I love chocolates but I don't like chocolate-flavored ice cream or cake. Except if it's the to-die-for CBTL's Toblerone cheesecake.
4. I am a programmer. I may not look like one or dress like one but I am a programmer and a good one at that! Hahaha! I just need to let this one out. Every time I get introduced to someone and asked what I do they just don't believe me. 
5. If I like a movie I'll watch it over and over again till I get tired of it. Then let it rest for a long time then watch it over and over again.
6. I know I've mentioned this before but I'm saying this again. I don't like pink. I find it too girly and I feel that it doesn't suit me. I think it clashes with my aura. Ironically, most of my PJs and home clothes are pink. They're given as gifts though. I'm not sure if my friends and family don't know me that much or they know me too much that they just want to play with me.
7. I may look like a confident grown woman but most of the time I'm not. I just fake it! I have a pillow that I had since infancy and I can't sleep without it till now. It's like my security blanket err pillow(?).
8. I'm OC when it comes to books and magazines. You can't touch them unless I'm done reading them.
9. I can wear a very short dress or skirt but I can't wear a backless dress or top. I get too conscious when my scoliotic back is bared.
10. I am nearly on  my thirties but I still haven't figured out what to do for the rest of my life. 

I Can't Get Over You

Day 21: Something you can't seem to get over.

I know I'm over a month late with this blog challenge but please don't judge me. I had so much on my plate. And I'm not sure if I'm ready to face the big elephant in the room with this 21st day challenge. But I'm here now, and it means that I'm ready to face it.

There's one situation that I can't get over with. Situation that happened more than two decades ago. I just seem to have moved on because I pretend to but in reality I am still treading waters that is 100-meters deep.

I can't get over the fact that I've been left and replaced by the person that I cared about so much. I just need an explanation, that's all. Is it too much to ask? I just want to know why am I worth leaving for. Is it because of the things that I did or didn't do? I just want to know so that I won't be making the same mistakes again.

I'm not mad at you father, I'm just mad at what you did. I don't care whose to blame. All I know is that if and when I do have a kid, I will never ever leave him/her. And even if I'm forced to, I would never let him/her feel abandoned and unloved by me. I'll make time to be present in his/her life even if it'll kill me.

I don't want to blame you, but you see the reason that I'm so scared of commitments is because you've quite set the bar. I'm scared that if I open my heart enough for someone, they will think that they have this right to trample my being any way they want.

It's a shitty thing to think about, but it's the truth. I just wish that someday, somehow I'll learn to get over you and what you did to me and my brother.

2013 Year-End Report

It’s roughly 13 hours before 2013 closes. And that only means I have to write my year-end report. It’s not like someone will sue or shoot me if I didn't write one, but it’s because I made a promise to myself a few years back that I will write a year-end report each freaking year. It's getting old, seriously! I write almost the same things over and over again. It seems like each year, I have the same pattern. But not this year, I am pretty excited to write about it. It’s kind of different but the same. To make it different I’m just going to make a list of everything that happened this year. Well, not everything, I may have to remove or not disclose some of those things. *wink*

I was excited to start 2013. I had a temp job waiting and I just couldn't wait what would be in store for me as the year unfolds. So here it goes…

1. Got a temp job. A high-paying temp job, but sadly it wasn’t for me. The schedule was crazy and the job was routinary. 

2. Met “someone” at my temp job. Not really a good news. 

3. Got a call from the job that I’ve applied for 3 months ago (October 2012).

4. Got the job! Yey!

5. Left my temp job. A bit sad but I know it’s for my own good.

6. Found "a really good friend" in the person of “someone’s” friend.

7. Met great people in my new job. Hooray for new friends!

8. Broke up with “someone”. Thank god?! Moving on…

9. My first project went live! 

10. Got regularized! Another YEY moment.

11. Attended a training that gained me more great friends.

12. Ran 3K, 5K, 10K

13. Falling for “a really good friend”.

14. Went on a beach trip with family.

15. Avoided “a really good friend” to prevent from being hurt all over again.

16. Nursed my almost broken heart.  Yeah right.

17. Fan-girling on someone else’s past relationship. Can you blame me? I love them both and I love the idea of them together. :-)

18. Sitting on a couch making this stupid list. Hahaha! 

All in all, 2013 has been a great year for me. Lots of ups and downs but it’s all worth it. Also, in between each item on my list I had lots of coffees, meals and crazy conversations with my new friends.

In case you want to read my 2012 year-end report and the year before that (2011). :-)

Nicest Thing Someone has Ever Done for Me

The nicest thing someone (not including family and close friends) has ever done for me is offering me the last Paulo Coelho book at the bookstore. It was in 2007, four years after Mr. Coelho published Eleven Minutes. That time I just recently discovered his wonderful literary works. I’ve already read most of his books, nine to be exact except for the elusive Eleven Minutes. It was always sold out.

I remember that day, it was two days before my 22nd birthday. And it was the last book on the shelf. The guy got to the book first, and he saw my face dropped when I realized that I won’t be going home with the book yet again. Then he told me that he’s supposed to replace his sister’s copy because she lost it. Then he gave the book to me, telling me that his sister already read it and it probably meant more to me. I couldn’t contain my happiness! I was so ecstatic to finally be able to read the book. And I also told him that it’s my birthday soon so he wouldn’t regret giving me the book.

I find it as the nicest gesture by a stranger because if it were me, I wouldn’t care if it’s your birthday. Hahaha! I am really selfish when it comes to books. Thank god for nice strangers.

19 Questions We Should All Ask More Often

We’ve all been there before, the lull in a conversation where it’s someone’s turn to ask a question in order to keep the conversation going. Maybe it’s on a date, maybe it’s with someone you just met, or maybe it’s an old friend that you’ve grown distant from and are trying to reconnect with. Maybe it’s not a lull in the conversation and maybe you’re trying to more deeply understand the core of another but you can’t quite figure out how to go about it. The opportunities for deeper connection and understanding come from the questions you ask. Rather than asking standards like “So, how are you?” or “Where did you grow up?” or “What’s your family like?” here are 19 thought-provoking questions to ask others (and ourselves) more often.

1. What is one of the nicest things someone has ever done for you?
2. Who/what do you love most and what are you doing about it?
3. How do you show yourself that you love yourself?
4. Whose life do you believe you’ve had the biggest impact on?
5. What is home to you?
6. Is there anybody in your life that you would like to forgive, but haven’t?
7. When is silence more meaningful than words?
8. What do you wish you knew?
9. Are there chances you’ve passed up that you wish you’d have taken?
10. When was the last time you lied? Why?
11. What will you never give up on?
12. What is the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
13. How do you know when it’s time to let go of something or someone?
14. What do you wish someone would ask you?
15. What have you witnessed that has strengthened/weakened your faith in humanity?
16. Are there things that you sometimes pretend you understand, but actually don’t?
17. What big lesson could someone learn from your life?
18. What have you done lately that’s worth remembering?
19. What is the simplest truth you can say with words? 

By Jen Tack (Thought Catalog)

Last Argument

Day 20: The last argument you had.

The last argument I had was with my brother. It's not something huge though. It was just about what we're having for dinner, if it's pasta or any dish with rice. But honestly, I argue with myself a lot of times.  It works for me, especially when I'm having doubts. I play good cop at the same time the bad cop. It's my way of weighing things out. 

My Favorite Things

Day 19: Something that never fails to make you feel better.

Have you heard of the song My Favorite Things? No? It was sang by Maria in The Sound of Music? No? Really? Do you live in a cave? Anyway, the song is supposed to make you feel better when you are sad. The song is about all your favorite things. Anyway, here's a video of the song for you to have an idea about what I'm talking about.

 

Here's a list of the things that make me feel better:

1. Chocolates - my instant pick-me-upper. 
2. Good book - When I read a good book, I tend to forget about what's happening in the world.
3. Bacon - I can eat bacon my entire life. If only I wouldn't die of too much fats and cholesterol in my body.
4. A cold shower - never fails to make me feel refreshed every time.
5. Candies - Jelly Bellys, Skittles, Nerds... I would welcome you with open arms!
6. Comforting hug - I'm not a hugger, but I do enjoy comforting hugs.
7. Shopping - if it's a free shopping spree! 

Disrespecting Parents

Day 18: Disrespecting parents

I know I'm not the model daughter, not even close but I know that disrespecting your parents is one of the biggest sin a child would ever commit. I have this great respect for them because they were the ones who "made" me. Regardless if they raised me or not, I wouldn't care, bringing me out of this earth is enough for me to thank them for the rest of my life.

What Scares Me

Day 17: Things that make you scared.

There aren't lots of things that make me scared. I'm quite a toughie you know. I love watching scary movies (the genre, not the movies with the same title). It gives me quite a thrill and I like that. But there are just certain things that I am really afraid of, that would have me screaming and running.

1. Roaches - whether crawling, flying I just can't stand them. When I was a kid, I wasn't afraid of them but since I have learned how much germs they carry with them... Arghh... I just can't stand them. If I see one in my bedroom before I go to bed, chances are I won't be able to sleep the whole night.
2. Arachnids - I can take the house spiders but other than that, no thanks. I know how poisonous they can be. 
3. Deep waters - I'm the worst swimmer in the history of worst swimmers. I'm not really sure if I know how to swim or I just know how to stay afloat for a little while. Regardless if I know how to swim or not, I still don't like deep waters. I had this knee injury during the sophomore year in college and when it is soaked in water I tend to have this killing sprain. So, if I'm somewhere deep I'll have no way of getting myself out of the water. Maybe I'll just stop breathing and wait for my time.
4. Death - I know it is inevitable. But I'm still afraid of it. I'm not scared of dying, but I'm scared of the outcome of having someone you care about die. It's just the worst feeling in the world.

3 Things I Like About Me

Day 16: 3 Things you are proud of about your personality.

There are lots days when I am proud of myself, but there are also certain days when I feel like I don't amount to something. But today, I'm going to write about the things that I am proud of about myself.

Never Give Up Award

I am the kind of person who never rarely gives up. Even if the whole world is expecting me to quit, I don't. That's one of the traits of a fiery Aries. I have this thought that "what if at the time that I decided to give up, I was just a foot away from winning or getting what I want?" So I never quit, unless I know it's a hopeless case, but it's a different story though.

Don't Care Attitude

Yes, I have mastered the art of deadma (not caring). I care for other people of course, I just don't care what other people think of me. I used to listen to every comment people say about me, but it got me nothing but low self-esteem. And I have decided that whatever I will do, people will always have something to say about me. So, I just let them be.

Good Memory

I don't know if this is a gift or a curse. I remember everything. Even the tiniest detail. No, I don't have the eidetic memory of Mike Ross (Hello Mike Ross!) but I have good enough memory to remember the good and the bad. It is a gift because I remember all the happy memories in detail, like watching a movie or an AVP, but it's also a curse because I will never forget all the times that my heart has been broken. And not just the memory, I can also recall the pain that I went through.

This Week's Report

Day 15: The best thing that happened to you this week.

Since I'm basically 7 days late with this challenge, I'm just going to talk about the present week. This week, my cousins, friends and I helped out with the relief efforts for the victims of typhoon Haiyan (Yolanda). We repacked hygiene kits as well as food packs for the thousands of families that were affected by the devastation. It was tiring but it was also fullfiling knowing we were able to make a difference even in our own little way.

Work-wise, it's practically the same every week. And it's still complicated. Yes, that's how I describe the relationship I have with my work. I have a love-hate relationship with it. And seriously, programming is complicated. It is the activity that cost me three quarters of my brain cells. So pardon me if I don't make sense most of the time or when I don't recognize you even if we see each other on a daily basis and we actually had interaction more than thrice. Please don't take it against me, take it against my diminishing brain cells.

And about that "thing", well... it's still a work in progress. ☺

Ewww

Day 14: Something disgusting that you do.

I may have a blurred line between normal and weird but I can surely identify what's disgusting and what's not. I seriously can't think of anything disgusting that I do. The only thing that I think is disgusting is my laziness of doing the laundry. Yeah, I love dressing up but ironically I hate doing the laundry. My mom always complain when she visits because I have this huge pile of dirty laundry in my room. I think it's disgusting because I'm a girl and I'm supposed to NOT have a piled up laundry.

Update: 

And ohh, while I was on the train this morning and I saw a kid chewing a gum and I remember that when I was a kid my mom never let us chew gums. She (as well as my grandma) thinks that it's not appropriate for girls to chew gums. So whenever I got the opportunity to chew a gum it's like heaven! It's just once in a blue moon that I get to taste one, so it feels like Christmas! The disgusting part you ask? When the sweetness of the gum is gone, I put a teaspoon of sugar in my mouth and chew the gum again. Ewww. Yes, I know. But I just can't afford to spit a gum out right away. It's a rare commodity so, you gotta do what you gottta do. 

Just so you know, I stopped popping sugar in my mouth while chewing a gum during high school. Because I got extra cash to buy my stash of gum. And it was also banned from my school, and well my mom was right... Girls chewing gum is not a good sight to see.

Ideal Date

Day 13: A date you would love to go on.

My ideal date is nothing fancy. I don't want to go to a fancy restaurant and have food that I can't even pronounce. In fact, I want my date to be low key. I want something "unplanned". I just want the day to unfold by itself. We can start by going to a park, then eat some street food, go sight seeing in the metro and maybe grab a cup of coffee while people watching. And finally cap the day while watching the sunset.

This is the kind of date that I would love to go to because I don't have to be anyone else but myself. Yes, I would love some fancy dinner but I'd rather that we spend the day talking about ourselves than worrying about how much we've spent on a single dish. Or worst worrying if it's ok that we go Dutch or I'll let you pay for everything. And I don't want to obsess about the clothes that I'm supposed to wear, if it'll go with shoes and my purse. Truthfully, I don't really care where my date takes me, as long as we click we're sure going to be a hit! 

Dear Ex

Day 12: Things you want to say to an ex.

When I first saw this blog challenge and got to number 12, I thought I have lots of things to say to my exes. Then came the 12th day of the challenge, and I ran out of things to say to them. I'm not sure if I don't have anything to say, or I just don't want to say anything to any of them.

It already happened, let's just put the past behind. So, I think if ever I have to say anything to them... It will be:

"Thank you for being a part of my life. I'm sorry we didn't work out. We were young, we were fools, we were just never meant to be."

"And you were basically stupid and a douche for telling me that you'll wait for me and then getting another girl pregnant. I just wish you never said that you'll wait so I won't expect, and I won't come running home from my "bright future" you freaking moron."