What Possesion Could you not Live Without?

I am not a materialistic human being, or maybe I am, but I am not as materialistic as the next person you’re sitting with on the bus or the train. I can live without anything, except air. I went on a couple of days without eating nor doing anything but sleeping. Aside from all things on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which is pretty basic for every human being what I can’t live without is my iPad. My trusty, old, iPad Mini who’s been with me through almost everything and everywhere. I can live without it, of course who am I kidding? But I wouldn’t want to. My iPad is my life, or where I write most of the things that happened in my life. And it is where I get to live different lives, it is full to the brim with all the books that I’ve read, am reading and planning to read. Losing it will make me lose my mind. It also houses all my sketches and all the thoughts that I have when I wake up in the wee hours of the night.

In fact, at this very moment I am typing away this post on it. I would gladly trade my two phones for this, that’s how I love it.

Last Major Accomplishment

Did I mention getting into Fashion School and actually acing it? Oh, I did! So now I am racking my brains of anything major aside from that... Now I have one! It is climbing the Mountain Province, it's been on my travel bucket list since I watched a local movie that was filmed there. 

Getting there is already a challenge, as it takes half a day travel time. And the road is even more challenging as it is an endless uphill/downhill traverse on a mountainside. Plus it is also an endless road of sharp curves and bends and did I mention cliff-sides? Oh well, I am pretty sure it isn't a trip for the fainthearted. Because if you are one, I'm positive you're gonna need a bypass by the time you get to your destination which is a town called Sagada.  Sagada is located atop the almost highest peak of the Mountain Province and it will literally leave you breathless! It is very scenic and idyllic. If I were a country girl, I would gladly file for retirement and spend the rest of my days there. 

PS When I am not feeling like my uterus killing me I will post pictures from my trip.

Best Memory of Last Year

2014 has been relatively good to me. I got a handful of pretty good memories that's why it's hard for me to pick just one. Indecisive as am. On the top of my head, the best memory is when I acted on something that I've always wanted to do. I've always dreamed of going to fashion school, and so I did. It was the best thing ever! Every bit of it was a piece of heaven, fashion heaven that is. The people I met and the things I've learned there is much much more than I've imagined. I can't pick which memory is considered the best because I don't want to pick favorites.

Are you Content?

If you asked me this six months ago, I would've automatically answered with a big NO. But nothing is really written in stone in this world, except for those stuff that are actually written in stone. And a person's perspective changes just like the tides or the course of the wind. Since I am being asked now, my answer is a big YES with three exclamation points and a smiley face to boot. 

I am contented with what I have, but if you ask me if I wanted more? Who am I to say that I don't? I won't be this big hypocrite who will say that they are contented with what they have and just stay the same way forever. As I've said, the world is constantly changing and we have to keep up with it. 

I'm loving everything that's happening in my life, regardless if it's good or bad. I am the biggest cliche believer of "everything happens for a reason" and that everything you did in your life has led you to this very moment. In that note, I am going to do everything in my power to accomplish whatever it is I am bound to do on this earth.

What are you Most Grateful for?

I am grateful for a lot of things. I've recently re-joined a community that I was part of for most of my teenage life. And I have realized a lot of things, and one of those is that I am truly blessed. My existence alone is something to be grateful for, I am nearing my thirtieth year on earth and that should mean something. I've come to terms that it is a reason enough to be blessed as not everyone gets the chance to live this long. 

Aside from my mere existence, I am also grateful for my family and friends for without them I don't know where will I be. They've stuck with me through all the things I've been through. It's normal for family to stick with you because we're kind of built that way, but friends are different. They have a choice, a way out. But my friends stuck with me through thick and thin. They stuck with me even when I am not the cheeriest person to talk to, when I'm being the whiniest toddler in town. I am just so glad to have people like them in my life. They allow me to feel things, but after some time when they think it's right, they pull me out of it and knock some sense into my clouded mind. 

There are so many things in my "grateful" list but these are the top two (or three counting family and friends separately) on my list. And I know that this list will grow each day when I wade into the wonderful unknown that is 2015.

Ultimate Goal for this Year

I don’t usually have a specific goal for each year, I just normally wing it. And so far, I am doing just fine. I stopped making resolutions a long time ago, because it just makes me sad at the end of the year when I look back and get hit in the face that I haven’t accomplished any of my New Year’s resolutions. It makes me feel irrelevant and a total slacker, which is kind of true but I don’t want it to be rubbed on my face.

This year is different though, I am going to make a plan. A concrete plan that is, and pray that I’ll be able to carry it out as planned. (Pun and pun intended) I have this elaborate plan for my 30^th, and by elaborate I meant I am going to buy a plane ticket to Munich and wing it from there. Although I only have 20 days to spend wherever in the 26 countries in Europe, I will definitely make the most of it. And my only goal when I accomplished my first goal of spending my birthday there is to make a lot of friends. I have this need (yes, need) to make a lot of friends from different countries, because I am very fascinated with different cultures. I want to know their history, how they live their daily lives and hopefully experience it firsthand but if not I can always live vicariously through them. My love for travel stemmed from my first love, which is history and culture. It has always been my favorite subject in school along with Sciences (except Physics because for me it’s not Science, it is definitely Math) and English. I have been interested on how the world civilization began and how the world came to its present state.

This year, as usual I am going to make the most of it. By the end of 2015 I want to look back and say “this is my best year yet again”. No regrets, just loads of experiences. 

You're so 2014!

It's that time again when I sum up all the things that happened within the year. Compared to 2013, 2014 is uneventful. 2013 was a year of transition: new job, new relationships (romantic and platonic) but 2014 is the year when everything is almost in place. (Note: Operative word is almost) In programmers' jargon, the development and beta phase is over and that was in 2013, this year is all about implementation and a little bit of debugging and maintenance. This year I have removed all scripts that no longer works or are no longer needed for my project, aptly called Life. And some scripts that are not applicable for now that may be useful in the future are still there, I just put a comment on them. And un-comment them when the time is right.

This year, I embarked on a new journey. I studied Fashion Design, and I'm kind of good at it. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to continue it the second semester due to some scheduling issues. Work and school just don't mix, in my case anyway. Both programming and designing requires a lot of time and attention, it is never a walk in the park. Unless the park is filled with Dobermans ready to devour you and the pathway is full of live, gigantic vines with thorns. Then that is exactly the kind of walk in the park that describes it. I'm exaggerating, of course. But it quite felt like it at that time.

In 2014, I also became a serial dater, my closest friends know about it and I wouldn't be surprised if they are silently judging me. They have all the right. It's just that I don't want to limit myself in going out with only certain types. I want to put myself out there and see what happens. As of the moment, I'm still stuck in the dating pond, and surprisingly I kind of like it here. Or I might have convinced myself that I like it here (so I don't have to actually deal with my persistent feelings toward someone). I can't quite put a finger on it.

I'm beginning to like someone. Someone I never thought I would fall for, completely not my type. But sapiosexual that I am, I am charmed by his intellect. I am also one of those that can't let my feelings rule over me. I am the mind-over-heart kind of person. I can suppress and bottle up my feelings and throw them in the vast ocean. But this time I am doing it so in a very Herculean way. But let's not talk about it for now, I'll make a completely different post about it. About how my life shifted, perspective-wise when I got to know him.

Moving on, this year all my travels are within the country and consists mostly of spontaneous road trips with my family and closest buddies. But I will be making up for it next year as I already have planned trips. I've planned 2015 to be awesome, as I will be turning 30. And I seriously hope that something life-altering (in the best way) to happen next year. I'm calling 2015 as the year of the "Wonderful Unknown", inspired by Ingrid Michaelson's song.

Till We Cross Paths Again...

I need to write this down, I don’t want my memory of you to fade. I want to forget about you, but I don’t want to forget this subconscious memory I have of you. I know I’ve told myself way too many times that I can’t want you anymore. Just too many complications. But each freaking time that I have decided to let go of you, I think I am under your spell. You always give me a reason to hang on just a little bit longer. But now, I can’t be persuaded by this sorcery anymore. I have decided that I will forget about you, if we are meant to meet again someday then well and good, if not then all the same.

Last night, I had my last hurray of you in my mind. I thought about how it would be if we ever meet again, I had the perfect scenario in my head. But I didn’t get to the part where we actually meet, I fell asleep as it was already past midnight I guess. Then the unthinkable happened, I’m not sure if I already mastered controlling my dreams but as it turned out, I dreamt of you, of us, together.

We were at the workplace, you were sitting next to my workstation. Then you asked me to come with you and show you around the metro. And I did. I took you to places that I think you would enjoy seeing. You took my hand, it fits perfectly with yours and you never let it go. We went to the beach, we walked in the park and we even met my mom and her sister and I introduced you to them. I felt very happy at that moment. It was like my dream came true, although it only came true in my dreams. I will always remember those beautiful eyes of yours, staring directly into mine. Your long lanky fingers interlaced with mine, I will always keep those memories with me. And that perfect smile plastered on your face, it will be etched in my mind forever.

I don’t know why I dreamt of you, it may be my subconscious giving me a closure. And I will gladly accept it, because I have decided that it’s time to move on from you. Thank you for the memories, for the late night to early morning conversations. And for everything that you shared with me, it will be kept forever. Thank you for letting me feel everything that I felt with you, be it good or bad. It is a proof that I am still human and can still feel things unlike the robot that I think I become. This will be my goodbye, as much as I hate to admit it, know that I have loved you. Till we cross paths again.

I Got a Crush on You

Crush - a very juvenile word, but this simple word is enough to mess up with one's emotions. It can either send you to the moon or would make you want the earth to open up and swallow you up alive. It's been a while that I had a crush on someone, more than a year I guess. You see, I easily find guys pretty to the eyes, but it takes more than that to be that person to be my crush. He should fit the mold that I have created in my mind eons ago. That metaphorical mold hasn't changed since I've created it in my college days. It still have the same qualities that I look for in a person to be my crush. More often than not, these qualities are not met. But I have this tolerance also created (very realistic and logical), so if half of the qualities are met then you are a sure hit! 

I am aware that it is unfair to have these qualities to look for in a guy, especially if you are not Jennifer Lawrence or Emma Stone beautiful. The only thing I think that I have in common with these women is gender. These women are so beyond me. But still, this is just a crush that we are talking about, juvenile remember?

I am normally an awkward person, but if I am anywhere near my crush my awkwardness is magnified, a gazillion times! I don't stutter, but I babble which is basically the same level of awkwardness. What makes it even weird is that I'm not even talking to my crush, it's just me talking to my friends or people in general with my crush in the perimeter.

And when there comes a time that my crush is in the circle and I have the chance to talk to him, I don't! As mentioned, I babble to my friends and single him out of the conversation. To make it seem that I am not interested. 

When he texts me, I think about how many minutes I should let pass before I reply to not seem eager. And I proof read my reply more than I should just to make sure that it appears nonchalant and "cool". When in fact, in my mind we are already vacationing in the South of France or just staying in the couch the whole weekend watching romcom movies and bingeing on pizza and other take away food.

They say that most girls (yes, girls, not women because this is crush we are talking about) change something about their physical appearances so that their crushes would notice. I don't, I stay exactly the same for them not to notice me.

This is where the complications start. I dreamed about vacationing with this guy or doing just about anything under the sun but I don't want him to find out that I am madly crushing on him. Crazy, right? If he finds out, he's not my crush anymore. This is some kind of psychological disorder, I just know. If it's not, then they should make it official and name it after me. It's not like the-thrill-of-the-chase kind of thing because there is no chasing involved in the first place. I just want the-admiration-in-silence if there's that kind of thing. 

Re-reading the post that I just wrote, it got me thinking. Why don't I want to be found out? Is it because I'm scared that the admiration won't be reciprocated the way I want it to be? Or the commitment-phobe in me is scared that it may lead to something and I will be the one who screws it up again?

But I will never stop crushing on someone, because I just love the feeling of butterflies fluttering in my stomach when we connect and the mini heart-attack that I get every time I think that I am found out. It's like being a teenager once again even if that was already a decade ago.

Dear No One

 Note: I was going through my files today and I saw this. Thought of posting it. :)

 

Dear No One,

It’s the second to the last day of the year and I’m here lounging on my couch typing on my computer while the TV is on and I can’t understand what I’m watching listening because my neighbor’s TV is even louder than mine. I don’t have any idea why I thought of writing you a letter. I’m not even sure if I’ve already met you or haven’t. I think I’m just doing this to pass the time or maybe subconsciously I know you’re somewhere out there waiting for me too, aren't you?

Anyway, I don’t know how I’m going to introduce myself to you. Most people tell me that I tend to be the simplest yet most complicated (at the same time) person you’ll ever know. I know for a fact that I’m not bipolar, but sometimes I’d like to think I’m one to justify my insanity. I want to give you a heads up, I’m not the sweetest woman in the world, and I know this to be true. My idea of sweetness is not cuddling, nor texting sweet nothings, for me being able to compose a decent and brief text to you on a mundane day is considered “sweetness”. Please don’t get me wrong. I’m just not used to intimacy, maybe that’s the reason I’m not so eager to meet “someone”. No gray area for me, it’s either black or white. I am in a constant battle with and against myself. I am either very sweet that I could kill you with diabetes or I am the most insensitive person in the world. I tend to bottle up everything and then just throw them away. I don’t warm up to anyone easily. You have to crack me up, or climb these walls I made for myself. If you’re brave enough to do so. You’ll be delighted to know that it’ll be worth it. So please don’t give up on me so easily.

My ideal Friday night is not going out and having rounds of drinks. Yes, I can drink like a 50-year old trucker but I don’t do it often. I just drink when I have something that’s bothering me. What I typically do is stay at home, wear my PJs and just read, write or watch TV. It’s something that I rarely do these days. I have this crazy schedule.  But before you think that I’m a celebrity or this big corporate woman… I would stop you on your tracks. I’m just a mere IT programmer in a manufacturing company. It’s a man’s world, the IT industry. But I love being in it. It’s like saying to the universe that it’s not just for you guys, it’s for us women too!

You can say that I’m a dork or nerd because of the things that I do or I like doing. Admittedly I am. But as usual, I’m not the typical dork. I’m a dork in high heels. I love dressing up! It’s the thing that I enjoy the most. I love cramming or racking my brain up and down to come up with a great outfit combination. If I’ll be able to get a compliment with what I’m wearing, I feel like I’m up in the air. But don’t let this façade fool you, I am way more than that. I can spew useless trivia, and I have the ability to inject these trivia in any conversation. I am talented like that. And I am also very much updated with what’s happening in the world, did I tell you that I’d like to think of myself not as a citizen of a country but of the world? And because of this, I breathe for traveling. I want to see and experience the world. My ultimate bucket list is to visit at least 50 countries before I succumbed to the inevitable oblivion.

No one, I hope you picked a thing or two about me. And I hope you’ll still want me after all this. I hope to see you someday, if not in this lifetime maybe in the next.

Kriann

Hook, Line and Sinker (Yet Again)

It was just yesterday that I wrote a letter to someone that who probably wouldn't be able to read it. I've been writing letters but never got the strength to let the "recipient" read it. I am such a scaredy cat. The only reason that I write these letters is to be able to let my emotions out and hopefully leave myself dry. And eventually get on with this thing called life.

It was a happy letter, full of life, postive emotions and whatnots. It was something that I will never be able to tell someone in their face. Because it will only make me feel and seem vulnerable. And I hate being vulnerable, it's the perfect moment that someone will crush you during that brief moment when you had your guards down. I have this strong facade, but deep inside I am this weakling. Who feels confident during the daytime but cries herself to sleep sometimes. 

Today, I wanted to write yet another letter to a different person. This person is the person who never fails to give me hope no matter the situation, and more often than not this is also the person who crushes even the tiniest stray of hope that I have. It's been a vicious cycle ever since I can remember. And trust me two decades didn't make me any stronger when it comes to him. He's like my personal kryptonite. 

I just seriously hope that I would come out unscathed this time. I've had way too many battles against him. And I hope this will be the last. Now I understand why I'm hooked to The Script's new song Superheroes, because subconsciously I wish to be one.

When you've been fighting for it all your life
You've been working every day and night
That’s how a superhero learns to fly
Every day, every hour
Turn the pain into power

She's got lions in her heart
A fire in her soul
He's a got a beast in his belly
That's so hard to control
'Cause they've taken too much hits
Taking blow by blow
Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode

Pa, this will be the last I promise. I need to do this for you and for myself. We have to stop pretending that we are ok, because seriously, we are definitely not. I only wish the best for you and your family. Maybe you have your reasons, but I just don't care about those reasons now. It's time to move on. And maybe, the letter that I'm going to write, I'll finally have the guts to send it to you. Just maybe.

Rant Post

Everyone is either getting married or getting pregnant, and I am getting a massive headache over these things. I am nowhere near jealous of these people, I love my life as it is, thank you. What's giving me the headache are the people who keeps on bombarding me with questions about stuff, these kind of stuff. I don't get affected easily, but I drew the line when majority of the people you meet are asking you these questions.

I know I told this half a decade ago, but since then nothing much have changed. Really. Not my outlook in life, not in my five-year plan. The constant change in my life is my hairstyle, and the most drastic of it all is quitting my first job (which lasted for seven years by the way) with no back-up plan whatsoever. I dove head first with my eyes closed, good thing I had my family to back me up.

With every thing that's happening (and not happening) in my life right now. I am contented and satisfied, I feel like I don't need anything more. I have my family who's always willing to move mountains FOR me and my friends who are also willing to move mountains WITH me. I have a full time job that I am starting to fall in love with again, plus I get to work with people that I actually like and love. Also I am living my dream! But, I won't drop details for now, I will get in to it on another blog post.

So to all the people asking me about marriage and kids, my reply is that "People are more interested in asking me why I'm single over asking me out". So, if you have nothing else to ask just please shut it. 

Revisiting Maria

Maria is the protagonist of Paulo Coelho's Eleven Minutes. It is Coelho's second book that I fell in love with, the first was The Alchemist. Last weekend I've unearthed my copy and started re-reading it. I've read the book a lot of times before, but last weekend was the first in over two years. I've felt almost the same way when I started reading it for the first time seven years ago. (Operative word is almost, because nothing beats the first time that you read a book) Memories came like an avalanche, it was like remembering a situation that happened ages ago, just reading the first chapter, and I have remembered everything quite vividly. I never realized how much I missed Maria. 

Here are some quotes from the book which I think applies to how I feel at this very moment:

“Everything tells me that I am about to make a wrong decision, but making mistakes is just part of life. What does the world want of me? Does it want me to take no risks, to go back to where I came from because I didn't have the courage to say "yes" to life?” 

“At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.” 

“You can either be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It all depends on how you view your life.” 

“Sometimes life is very mean: a person can spend days, weeks, months and years without feeling new. Then, when a door opens - a positive avalanche pours in. One moment, you have nothing, the next, you have more than you can cope with.”

“Life moves very fast. It rushes us from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds.” 

“The true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.” 

I am (yet again) in a situation where I feel like I am overwhelmed with everything that's happening and not happening in my life. A woman who is almost 30, but still lost in the abyss of the ironies of this world. The feeling that everyday and everything is quite the same, but looking back you'll realized how much times have changed and how much it changed you. I hope, just like Maria I'll be able to see the light at the end of what seems like an unending tunnel.

Wandering Mind

I haven't had enough sleep for almost two weeks. No, it's not completely FarmVille's fault. What keeps me up late at night is my wandering mind. I will never admit that I'm an obsessive thinker, but here's the thing: I do think a lot but not borderline obsessive.

I think about a plethora of things: my self, work, school, career, passion, travel destinations, personal projects, relationships, friends, family and the list goes on. I am also quite addicted to picturing a not-so-far future, a picture perfect future (if there's such a thing). It's a hobby that I have fostered since I was a little kid. I prefer the luxury of lounging on the couch and daydream about a book or movie that I have just seen or read over playing under the heat of the sun. If there's a daydreaming contest, I could've been a shoo-in winner.

But that's just it. I feel that I'm not trying hard enough to make those daydreams a reality. And with that I keep beating myself up. My mom keeps on telling me that it's ok to not have your ducks in a row at my age, even Cosmo tells me that. But I just can't wrap my head around the idea that I'm close to 30 and I have done nothing that is worth jubilating. I know I'm being hypocritical here, you'll say being close to 30 is something worth jubilating. But as they say, age is just a number... Is it too much to ask if I don't want to measure my life with the number of years I have lived instead I want to measure it with the number of lives I have touched? I guess not.

There are times when I wish that I can just live inside my head, because in my head I live a halcyonic life. I have a successful career, the most ideal relationships, and everything that I have ever wanted. Unlike the humdrum reality that I am living.

I've no idea to how to make my daydreams a reality, but one thing is for sure.. I'll never stop daydreaming until I figured out how I'll be able to live my halcyonic life. Just keep the faith self, keep the faith.