I Moved!

I think this blog has more than served it's purpose, and it's about time that I move on to a new one. If you still want to follow and read my adventures and misadventures with life, come see me at:

http://kriann.blogspot.com

Believe in Something

I have at least five of them. And I wouldn't trade them for the world. 😊

Kristina Decided to Live

If you are one of the five readers of this blog, you would know that I am a huge fan of Paulo Coelho. A few days back I've re-read Veronika Decides to Die, it's the second book of Coelho that I've purchased and read. I first read it when I was just 20, and fresh out of college and I've re-read it now, a decade later. 

It talks about humanity and insanity, which in my opinion goes hand in hand. And of course about life and death. 

When I first read it, it didn't appeal to me as much as it does today. My twenty year old self had a hard time relating to Veronika, I just graduated that time and had so much expectations in life after school. I had all the drive a fresh college grad can contain in one tiny body. I was full of life, and Veronika ironically, already decided that she wanted to end hers. 

I didn't quite understand where Veronika was coming from, but now I can say that I do understand almost every inch of her. It's not like I've considered taking my own life. I can't bear even just the thought of it. And I'm scared of my mom, because she told me before that if I wanted to kill myself, she would kill me, as she's the one who brought me here on earth. Just think of it, you taking your own life and your mom "kills" you again for that. All I can think of is a double dead meat. 

Kidding aside, I never think of suicide as a solution to a problem. It is actually a problem for the people that you'll leave behind. Also, what if there is life after death? Where will I be? I can't be in a pit of fire for eternity, or whatever hell may turn out to be. And there's this thing called pride. Taking my own life will mean that I accepted defeat and that's the thing that I cannot live with. Pun intended. 

Veronika didn't think of these things when she decided to end her life. All she wanted was to end it. Period. I went through a phase in life where everything was just routinary. Every day was the same as the other. But I didn't let that be the reason to cease living. Instead, I strived hard to get off the routinary path. 

I was like Veronika during my teenage years, I did everything to make my family proud even if I wasn't fully on board with what they wanted me to do and become. Like her I started playing the piano at such a young age, I'm actually pretty good at it due to constant practice. But if I had the choice I would've learned to play the violin. My grandma also dragged me to ballet classes, good thing the school closed so I was off the hook after a year.  Because I would rather be locked in a closet reading books than wearing tutus and pirouette-ing amidst the judgy looks of mothers who thought that I couldn't dance to save my life. (But thanks to a year of it that I found balance and body rhythm.) Everything in my life then was already planned for: where I'll take my internship, graduation date, the place I'll be working after graduation, down to the date when I'll get my promotion. 

But after college, I've decided to deviate from the path that my family planned for me, and forged a new one for myself. I allowed myself to win some and lose some in the process and never took life seriously. Which is actually a good thing when you're in your twenties but in your thirties... Not so much. But let's not talk about it now. 

And unlike Veronika, I decided to cower to death and not face it head on. I'd rather let the universe decide for me, than choose the date on my death certificate.

How to Battle Boredom 101

I've had a week to get settled before I start with my new job, in a new country. It's going nice for me, unless you count the nights that I couldn't sleep (jetlag is a bitch) and the time that I miss my family and friends.

I've been doing some "settling in" and adjusting and I think I just need to fake it some more to make it. I don't want to go the "touristy" way as I will be in this place for quite a while, that means I will have lots of time to explore. 

After I unpacked (within two days, it's a milestone for me!) and settled in in my new place I had nothing to do! I met some new friends who happen to be my next door neighbors, and who also work for the company that I'll be working for. But they work in the day and we only get to meet after work hours. So I've been left on my own during day time. To battle boredom these are the things that I've been doing:

1. Grocery shopping. (But don't get everything, so you'll have an excuse to go back the next day.)

2. Clean your entire place even if it's already immaculately clean. (You don't have OCD, you just need something to do.)

3. Don't buy coffee filters, you'll have a reason to get your fix at a nearest coffee shop and meet a cute barista. (Unfortunately, all baristas I've met are all girls.)

4. Ponder on how to look older. (You're lucky if you look younger than your real age, but it's awkward if you're constantly getting hit on by college boys. Not cool bro err kid.)

5. Eat tapas for breakfast with sangria. (By lunchtime you'll be in bed, sleeping.)

6. Plan your wardrobe for the entire month. (One week of wardrobe won't take much of your time, if needed, plan your wardrobe for the entire year.)

7. Bug your ex-coworkers/friends on viber or messenger while they are at work. (This will lessen your homesickness, big time!)

8. Plan your next trip home, even if it's a year away. (Planning always keeps you occupied.)

9. People watch in a coffee shop. (Who knows, you'll meet your Mr/Miss Right (now). Or maybe you'll meet new people who are as bored as you are.)

10. Read, write or blog. Whatever floats your boat.

New Chapter

It's been a whirlwind couple of months for me. I had, and still have a lot of things going on in my life. I made one of the hardest and at the same time the easiest decision in my life. The easiest was quitting the job that I felt was clipping my wings and the hardest was leaving the people that I've worked with who eventually became my closest friends. And I've also made a decision of leaving my country. 

I'm not a stranger to travelling as I've been doing it with my family ever since I could remember and when I was old enough to travel solo,  I've been unstoppable. Travelling every time I've got the chance: a long weekend, a week away from the hustle and bustle or even just an hour drive out of the city. I love having long drives with my friends but I also treasure solitude. 

I would go miles away from the city just to check-in in a hotel and sleep the entire time. And sometimes have staycation by myself. 

But moving to another country alone is different. It's a lot different from the time that I moved to Manila after college, I was still in the same country, same time zone with my family. Now it's different, I'm not going home any time soon and the time difference is kind of a pain. I'm just about to go to bed while my friends and family's alarms are going off to get ready for work. 

The time that I used to spend with my family and friends doing things is now constrained to chatting and video calling. I'm not complaining though, it's a choice that I made and no one pressured me to do it. And I just have to live with it, three years is not that long. And maybe by then I've already figured out what I want to do with my life.

Being Human.

This is just ironic since my last post was about giving love a try and now I am writing about giving it up.

I know you can never say things like "relationship is not just for me", but I've been feeling that way ever since I could remember. I am a person that wants a relationship badly, but when it hits me in the face, automatically I want out. 

I am the person that wants all or nothing at all. It's either you choose me or lose me. I can't be the person that you just hang or chill with. And truth is I am not getting any younger, I can't be with someone just because we enjoy each other's company, no more no less. I want to be with someone who sees a future with me and I can see a future with. 

I didn't believe in relationships, but with you it's different, all bets were in. And I didn't care about the risks. But it's unfair for me that you just want to string me along with no assurance of a near nor distant future. And it's also not fair that I am not giving other guys a chance because I always seem to compare each of them to you. They can never be you. I'll never know.

What we had was fun, so much fun that I don't want to "end" it. But fun is no longer enough, I care for myself, and I know that you and I will never be something else but just in a limbo. More than friends but less than... I can not even say the word.

Too many loopholes in our borrowed story, and I just don't know what to believe in anymore. And I must be honest that it hurt when you told me last night that you could never lose me because I was never yours to begin with. I knew from the start what we were getting into, but it stings when it comes straight from you. It only confirms what I was so scared to think of. 

I never thought I'd feel that kind of pain again because I was so careful in guarding my emotions. But I must know by now that no amount of guarding will shield me from the pain. Nobody knew, but last night I felt like I was shattered to bits but I can't stay that way for long and had to pick the pieces back up.

I am embarking a new chapter in my life. Moving to a different country with a new job. It is overwhelming, but I think it is better for me. I've been lying to myself telling that it doesn't hurt, but it does. I am just fighting the emotions because it makes me vulnerable and human. And I can't allow that to happen anymore. 

But you must know that I don't harbor ill feelings towards you. I am just going to accept the fact that you are someone that I will never have. You will always have a special place in the hollow of my chest cavity.

Out of the Labyrinth

How did we end up here? It was just supposed to be a simple walk in the park, no complications. But what happened? I ended up battling dragons and deadly giant vines filled with thorns. I was so lost, and felt like giving up. It’s just too damn hard to face all these alone. I needed an escape plan. I was in the verge of drowning in my own sorrows and puddle of tears. The endless darkness is just too hard to bear with no silver lining in sight.

My only assurance is the branch that I've been holding tight. Little did I know that it wasn't a branch, I was over occupied with the things I thought was in front of me and too scared to open my eyes. I started to let go of the said branch, but it wouldn't budge off my hand. Instead I heard a voice that told me to hold on a little longer and asked to open my eyes. And when I finally did, I realized it was you all along! And I've gotten everything wrong.

The fear got the most of me to know that the dragon wasn't a beast that should be feared. The dragon who kept us warm the whole time and it was also him that was lighting our way to the end of the labyrinth. And the vines weren't all that bad, they have thorns, yes. But they also have the most beautiful flowers I've ever seen in my entire life. And they've been the silver lining I needed. That even the deadliest thorns have goodness in them.

Now that I have opened my eyes, I can see everything clearly. No more doubts, just a heart full of love and happiness. And I know that this will be worth all the risks in the world, with you by my side I can be my own superhero and we can rule the world.

What Possesion Could you not Live Without?

I am not a materialistic human being, or maybe I am, but I am not as materialistic as the next person you’re sitting with on the bus or the train. I can live without anything, except air. I went on a couple of days without eating nor doing anything but sleeping. Aside from all things on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which is pretty basic for every human being what I can’t live without is my iPad. My trusty, old, iPad Mini who’s been with me through almost everything and everywhere. I can live without it, of course who am I kidding? But I wouldn’t want to. My iPad is my life, or where I write most of the things that happened in my life. And it is where I get to live different lives, it is full to the brim with all the books that I’ve read, am reading and planning to read. Losing it will make me lose my mind. It also houses all my sketches and all the thoughts that I have when I wake up in the wee hours of the night.

In fact, at this very moment I am typing away this post on it. I would gladly trade my two phones for this, that’s how I love it.

Last Major Accomplishment

Did I mention getting into Fashion School and actually acing it? Oh, I did! So now I am racking my brains of anything major aside from that... Now I have one! It is climbing the Mountain Province, it's been on my travel bucket list since I watched a local movie that was filmed there. 

Getting there is already a challenge, as it takes half a day travel time. And the road is even more challenging as it is an endless uphill/downhill traverse on a mountainside. Plus it is also an endless road of sharp curves and bends and did I mention cliff-sides? Oh well, I am pretty sure it isn't a trip for the fainthearted. Because if you are one, I'm positive you're gonna need a bypass by the time you get to your destination which is a town called Sagada.  Sagada is located atop the almost highest peak of the Mountain Province and it will literally leave you breathless! It is very scenic and idyllic. If I were a country girl, I would gladly file for retirement and spend the rest of my days there. 

PS When I am not feeling like my uterus killing me I will post pictures from my trip.

Best Memory of Last Year

2014 has been relatively good to me. I got a handful of pretty good memories that's why it's hard for me to pick just one. Indecisive as am. On the top of my head, the best memory is when I acted on something that I've always wanted to do. I've always dreamed of going to fashion school, and so I did. It was the best thing ever! Every bit of it was a piece of heaven, fashion heaven that is. The people I met and the things I've learned there is much much more than I've imagined. I can't pick which memory is considered the best because I don't want to pick favorites.

Are you Content?

If you asked me this six months ago, I would've automatically answered with a big NO. But nothing is really written in stone in this world, except for those stuff that are actually written in stone. And a person's perspective changes just like the tides or the course of the wind. Since I am being asked now, my answer is a big YES with three exclamation points and a smiley face to boot. 

I am contented with what I have, but if you ask me if I wanted more? Who am I to say that I don't? I won't be this big hypocrite who will say that they are contented with what they have and just stay the same way forever. As I've said, the world is constantly changing and we have to keep up with it. 

I'm loving everything that's happening in my life, regardless if it's good or bad. I am the biggest cliche believer of "everything happens for a reason" and that everything you did in your life has led you to this very moment. In that note, I am going to do everything in my power to accomplish whatever it is I am bound to do on this earth.

What are you Most Grateful for?

I am grateful for a lot of things. I've recently re-joined a community that I was part of for most of my teenage life. And I have realized a lot of things, and one of those is that I am truly blessed. My existence alone is something to be grateful for, I am nearing my thirtieth year on earth and that should mean something. I've come to terms that it is a reason enough to be blessed as not everyone gets the chance to live this long. 

Aside from my mere existence, I am also grateful for my family and friends for without them I don't know where will I be. They've stuck with me through all the things I've been through. It's normal for family to stick with you because we're kind of built that way, but friends are different. They have a choice, a way out. But my friends stuck with me through thick and thin. They stuck with me even when I am not the cheeriest person to talk to, when I'm being the whiniest toddler in town. I am just so glad to have people like them in my life. They allow me to feel things, but after some time when they think it's right, they pull me out of it and knock some sense into my clouded mind. 

There are so many things in my "grateful" list but these are the top two (or three counting family and friends separately) on my list. And I know that this list will grow each day when I wade into the wonderful unknown that is 2015.

Ultimate Goal for this Year

I don’t usually have a specific goal for each year, I just normally wing it. And so far, I am doing just fine. I stopped making resolutions a long time ago, because it just makes me sad at the end of the year when I look back and get hit in the face that I haven’t accomplished any of my New Year’s resolutions. It makes me feel irrelevant and a total slacker, which is kind of true but I don’t want it to be rubbed on my face.

This year is different though, I am going to make a plan. A concrete plan that is, and pray that I’ll be able to carry it out as planned. (Pun and pun intended) I have this elaborate plan for my 30^th, and by elaborate I meant I am going to buy a plane ticket to Munich and wing it from there. Although I only have 20 days to spend wherever in the 26 countries in Europe, I will definitely make the most of it. And my only goal when I accomplished my first goal of spending my birthday there is to make a lot of friends. I have this need (yes, need) to make a lot of friends from different countries, because I am very fascinated with different cultures. I want to know their history, how they live their daily lives and hopefully experience it firsthand but if not I can always live vicariously through them. My love for travel stemmed from my first love, which is history and culture. It has always been my favorite subject in school along with Sciences (except Physics because for me it’s not Science, it is definitely Math) and English. I have been interested on how the world civilization began and how the world came to its present state.

This year, as usual I am going to make the most of it. By the end of 2015 I want to look back and say “this is my best year yet again”. No regrets, just loads of experiences. 

You're so 2014!

It's that time again when I sum up all the things that happened within the year. Compared to 2013, 2014 is uneventful. 2013 was a year of transition: new job, new relationships (romantic and platonic) but 2014 is the year when everything is almost in place. (Note: Operative word is almost) In programmers' jargon, the development and beta phase is over and that was in 2013, this year is all about implementation and a little bit of debugging and maintenance. This year I have removed all scripts that no longer works or are no longer needed for my project, aptly called Life. And some scripts that are not applicable for now that may be useful in the future are still there, I just put a comment on them. And un-comment them when the time is right.

This year, I embarked on a new journey. I studied Fashion Design, and I'm kind of good at it. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to continue it the second semester due to some scheduling issues. Work and school just don't mix, in my case anyway. Both programming and designing requires a lot of time and attention, it is never a walk in the park. Unless the park is filled with Dobermans ready to devour you and the pathway is full of live, gigantic vines with thorns. Then that is exactly the kind of walk in the park that describes it. I'm exaggerating, of course. But it quite felt like it at that time.

In 2014, I also became a serial dater, my closest friends know about it and I wouldn't be surprised if they are silently judging me. They have all the right. It's just that I don't want to limit myself in going out with only certain types. I want to put myself out there and see what happens. As of the moment, I'm still stuck in the dating pond, and surprisingly I kind of like it here. Or I might have convinced myself that I like it here (so I don't have to actually deal with my persistent feelings toward someone). I can't quite put a finger on it.

I'm beginning to like someone. Someone I never thought I would fall for, completely not my type. But sapiosexual that I am, I am charmed by his intellect. I am also one of those that can't let my feelings rule over me. I am the mind-over-heart kind of person. I can suppress and bottle up my feelings and throw them in the vast ocean. But this time I am doing it so in a very Herculean way. But let's not talk about it for now, I'll make a completely different post about it. About how my life shifted, perspective-wise when I got to know him.

Moving on, this year all my travels are within the country and consists mostly of spontaneous road trips with my family and closest buddies. But I will be making up for it next year as I already have planned trips. I've planned 2015 to be awesome, as I will be turning 30. And I seriously hope that something life-altering (in the best way) to happen next year. I'm calling 2015 as the year of the "Wonderful Unknown", inspired by Ingrid Michaelson's song.

Till We Cross Paths Again...

I need to write this down, I don’t want my memory of you to fade. I want to forget about you, but I don’t want to forget this subconscious memory I have of you. I know I’ve told myself way too many times that I can’t want you anymore. Just too many complications. But each freaking time that I have decided to let go of you, I think I am under your spell. You always give me a reason to hang on just a little bit longer. But now, I can’t be persuaded by this sorcery anymore. I have decided that I will forget about you, if we are meant to meet again someday then well and good, if not then all the same.

Last night, I had my last hurray of you in my mind. I thought about how it would be if we ever meet again, I had the perfect scenario in my head. But I didn’t get to the part where we actually meet, I fell asleep as it was already past midnight I guess. Then the unthinkable happened, I’m not sure if I already mastered controlling my dreams but as it turned out, I dreamt of you, of us, together.

We were at the workplace, you were sitting next to my workstation. Then you asked me to come with you and show you around the metro. And I did. I took you to places that I think you would enjoy seeing. You took my hand, it fits perfectly with yours and you never let it go. We went to the beach, we walked in the park and we even met my mom and her sister and I introduced you to them. I felt very happy at that moment. It was like my dream came true, although it only came true in my dreams. I will always remember those beautiful eyes of yours, staring directly into mine. Your long lanky fingers interlaced with mine, I will always keep those memories with me. And that perfect smile plastered on your face, it will be etched in my mind forever.

I don’t know why I dreamt of you, it may be my subconscious giving me a closure. And I will gladly accept it, because I have decided that it’s time to move on from you. Thank you for the memories, for the late night to early morning conversations. And for everything that you shared with me, it will be kept forever. Thank you for letting me feel everything that I felt with you, be it good or bad. It is a proof that I am still human and can still feel things unlike the robot that I think I become. This will be my goodbye, as much as I hate to admit it, know that I have loved you. Till we cross paths again.

I Got a Crush on You

Crush - a very juvenile word, but this simple word is enough to mess up with one's emotions. It can either send you to the moon or would make you want the earth to open up and swallow you up alive. It's been a while that I had a crush on someone, more than a year I guess. You see, I easily find guys pretty to the eyes, but it takes more than that to be that person to be my crush. He should fit the mold that I have created in my mind eons ago. That metaphorical mold hasn't changed since I've created it in my college days. It still have the same qualities that I look for in a person to be my crush. More often than not, these qualities are not met. But I have this tolerance also created (very realistic and logical), so if half of the qualities are met then you are a sure hit! 

I am aware that it is unfair to have these qualities to look for in a guy, especially if you are not Jennifer Lawrence or Emma Stone beautiful. The only thing I think that I have in common with these women is gender. These women are so beyond me. But still, this is just a crush that we are talking about, juvenile remember?

I am normally an awkward person, but if I am anywhere near my crush my awkwardness is magnified, a gazillion times! I don't stutter, but I babble which is basically the same level of awkwardness. What makes it even weird is that I'm not even talking to my crush, it's just me talking to my friends or people in general with my crush in the perimeter.

And when there comes a time that my crush is in the circle and I have the chance to talk to him, I don't! As mentioned, I babble to my friends and single him out of the conversation. To make it seem that I am not interested. 

When he texts me, I think about how many minutes I should let pass before I reply to not seem eager. And I proof read my reply more than I should just to make sure that it appears nonchalant and "cool". When in fact, in my mind we are already vacationing in the South of France or just staying in the couch the whole weekend watching romcom movies and bingeing on pizza and other take away food.

They say that most girls (yes, girls, not women because this is crush we are talking about) change something about their physical appearances so that their crushes would notice. I don't, I stay exactly the same for them not to notice me.

This is where the complications start. I dreamed about vacationing with this guy or doing just about anything under the sun but I don't want him to find out that I am madly crushing on him. Crazy, right? If he finds out, he's not my crush anymore. This is some kind of psychological disorder, I just know. If it's not, then they should make it official and name it after me. It's not like the-thrill-of-the-chase kind of thing because there is no chasing involved in the first place. I just want the-admiration-in-silence if there's that kind of thing. 

Re-reading the post that I just wrote, it got me thinking. Why don't I want to be found out? Is it because I'm scared that the admiration won't be reciprocated the way I want it to be? Or the commitment-phobe in me is scared that it may lead to something and I will be the one who screws it up again?

But I will never stop crushing on someone, because I just love the feeling of butterflies fluttering in my stomach when we connect and the mini heart-attack that I get every time I think that I am found out. It's like being a teenager once again even if that was already a decade ago.

Dear No One

 Note: I was going through my files today and I saw this. Thought of posting it. :)

 

Dear No One,

It’s the second to the last day of the year and I’m here lounging on my couch typing on my computer while the TV is on and I can’t understand what I’m watching listening because my neighbor’s TV is even louder than mine. I don’t have any idea why I thought of writing you a letter. I’m not even sure if I’ve already met you or haven’t. I think I’m just doing this to pass the time or maybe subconsciously I know you’re somewhere out there waiting for me too, aren't you?

Anyway, I don’t know how I’m going to introduce myself to you. Most people tell me that I tend to be the simplest yet most complicated (at the same time) person you’ll ever know. I know for a fact that I’m not bipolar, but sometimes I’d like to think I’m one to justify my insanity. I want to give you a heads up, I’m not the sweetest woman in the world, and I know this to be true. My idea of sweetness is not cuddling, nor texting sweet nothings, for me being able to compose a decent and brief text to you on a mundane day is considered “sweetness”. Please don’t get me wrong. I’m just not used to intimacy, maybe that’s the reason I’m not so eager to meet “someone”. No gray area for me, it’s either black or white. I am in a constant battle with and against myself. I am either very sweet that I could kill you with diabetes or I am the most insensitive person in the world. I tend to bottle up everything and then just throw them away. I don’t warm up to anyone easily. You have to crack me up, or climb these walls I made for myself. If you’re brave enough to do so. You’ll be delighted to know that it’ll be worth it. So please don’t give up on me so easily.

My ideal Friday night is not going out and having rounds of drinks. Yes, I can drink like a 50-year old trucker but I don’t do it often. I just drink when I have something that’s bothering me. What I typically do is stay at home, wear my PJs and just read, write or watch TV. It’s something that I rarely do these days. I have this crazy schedule.  But before you think that I’m a celebrity or this big corporate woman… I would stop you on your tracks. I’m just a mere IT programmer in a manufacturing company. It’s a man’s world, the IT industry. But I love being in it. It’s like saying to the universe that it’s not just for you guys, it’s for us women too!

You can say that I’m a dork or nerd because of the things that I do or I like doing. Admittedly I am. But as usual, I’m not the typical dork. I’m a dork in high heels. I love dressing up! It’s the thing that I enjoy the most. I love cramming or racking my brain up and down to come up with a great outfit combination. If I’ll be able to get a compliment with what I’m wearing, I feel like I’m up in the air. But don’t let this façade fool you, I am way more than that. I can spew useless trivia, and I have the ability to inject these trivia in any conversation. I am talented like that. And I am also very much updated with what’s happening in the world, did I tell you that I’d like to think of myself not as a citizen of a country but of the world? And because of this, I breathe for traveling. I want to see and experience the world. My ultimate bucket list is to visit at least 50 countries before I succumbed to the inevitable oblivion.

No one, I hope you picked a thing or two about me. And I hope you’ll still want me after all this. I hope to see you someday, if not in this lifetime maybe in the next.

Kriann