This is the only recurring event in my life which never fails to amaze and amuse me. That no matter how I tell myself that I am ready and willing to commit, I can't seem to manage to hold on to a relationship long enough for it to even work on its own.
But of course, it's not always my fault. Or is it? I don't want to take all the blame. Relationships never fail for just one person's mistakes and shortcomings. There's always a mutual contribution why relationships end and never last.
It sucks how when you've already decided to make it work that it just never does. And you are just left to wonder if that's just how things are meant to be. Is it really destiny that decides when it's meant for you or do you have any off-handed way of making destiny all of a sudden decide that it's not meant for you? Coz lately, I keep thinking that no matter how hard you try and no amount of effort you give would make it work if destiny has decided to just take it away. And take it away, it did.
That's why I never want to talk about it. That's why I never want to shout it to the world because, from experience, whenever I do that, there comes something that just takes everything away as if I just didn't announce how important it is to me. And without any consideration, I am again left with nothing.
Sometimes, I say to myself that the only reason I was never comfortable with break-ups (ok, fine, who ever is comfortable with that anyway?) is that I just never know what to do immediately after it. I always have a bunch of feelings trying to gain domination over my being. I never really do just one thing. I am usually left confused because I never really know whether to cry, break down, fight back or even beg. Sometimes, with the confusion, I tend to do a jumble of everything which, turns out to be hysterical and it always ends up with me just laughing it off for how mature I have been in dealing with it.
To be honest, I don't loathe being alone. I actually welcome being single again (after all, it seems I am perpertually just that anyway) but I just find that I have never really known how to handle the void which is always left after break-ups. I scramble doing everything all at once just so I don't feel the sudden emptiness. I try to fill the void with whatever I could find, even momentary, just so I don't feel it. That couldn't be right but it's worked for me all these time. It's like self-preservation of some sort.
I'm letting go of something that could still have worked only because he already gave up. I would've wanted to give it another try but I am never going to go back to someone who's already rejected me. I've done what I could and I have no regrets. Would I still go through it again given the chance? Sure. But only for the lessons. Only for that. It's true what they say that if it's too good to be true, it probably is. Well, at least now I know for real.
I couldn't say I never tried. Because I did.
Too bad for him, it's really his loss.
