If you are one of the five readers of this blog, you would know that I am a huge fan of Paulo Coelho. A few days back I've re-read Veronika Decides to Die, it's the second book of Coelho that I've purchased and read. I first read it when I was just 20, and fresh out of college and I've re-read it now, a decade later.
It talks about humanity and insanity, which in my opinion goes hand in hand. And of course about life and death.
When I first read it, it didn't appeal to me as much as it does today. My twenty year old self had a hard time relating to Veronika, I just graduated that time and had so much expectations in life after school. I had all the drive a fresh college grad can contain in one tiny body. I was full of life, and Veronika ironically, already decided that she wanted to end hers.
I didn't quite understand where Veronika was coming from, but now I can say that I do understand almost every inch of her. It's not like I've considered taking my own life. I can't bear even just the thought of it. And I'm scared of my mom, because she told me before that if I wanted to kill myself, she would kill me, as she's the one who brought me here on earth. Just think of it, you taking your own life and your mom "kills" you again for that. All I can think of is a double dead meat.
Kidding aside, I never think of suicide as a solution to a problem. It is actually a problem for the people that you'll leave behind. Also, what if there is life after death? Where will I be? I can't be in a pit of fire for eternity, or whatever hell may turn out to be. And there's this thing called pride. Taking my own life will mean that I accepted defeat and that's the thing that I cannot live with. Pun intended.
Veronika didn't think of these things when she decided to end her life. All she wanted was to end it. Period. I went through a phase in life where everything was just routinary. Every day was the same as the other. But I didn't let that be the reason to cease living. Instead, I strived hard to get off the routinary path.
I was like Veronika during my teenage years, I did everything to make my family proud even if I wasn't fully on board with what they wanted me to do and become. Like her I started playing the piano at such a young age, I'm actually pretty good at it due to constant practice. But if I had the choice I would've learned to play the violin. My grandma also dragged me to ballet classes, good thing the school closed so I was off the hook after a year. Because I would rather be locked in a closet reading books than wearing tutus and pirouette-ing amidst the judgy looks of mothers who thought that I couldn't dance to save my life. (But thanks to a year of it that I found balance and body rhythm.) Everything in my life then was already planned for: where I'll take my internship, graduation date, the place I'll be working after graduation, down to the date when I'll get my promotion.
But after college, I've decided to deviate from the path that my family planned for me, and forged a new one for myself. I allowed myself to win some and lose some in the process and never took life seriously. Which is actually a good thing when you're in your twenties but in your thirties... Not so much. But let's not talk about it now.
And unlike Veronika, I decided to cower to death and not face it head on. I'd rather let the universe decide for me, than choose the date on my death certificate.
