Revisiting Maria

Maria is the protagonist of Paulo Coelho's Eleven Minutes. It is Coelho's second book that I fell in love with, the first was The Alchemist. Last weekend I've unearthed my copy and started re-reading it. I've read the book a lot of times before, but last weekend was the first in over two years. I've felt almost the same way when I started reading it for the first time seven years ago. (Operative word is almost, because nothing beats the first time that you read a book) Memories came like an avalanche, it was like remembering a situation that happened ages ago, just reading the first chapter, and I have remembered everything quite vividly. I never realized how much I missed Maria. 

Here are some quotes from the book which I think applies to how I feel at this very moment:

“Everything tells me that I am about to make a wrong decision, but making mistakes is just part of life. What does the world want of me? Does it want me to take no risks, to go back to where I came from because I didn't have the courage to say "yes" to life?” 

“At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.” 

“You can either be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It all depends on how you view your life.” 

“Sometimes life is very mean: a person can spend days, weeks, months and years without feeling new. Then, when a door opens - a positive avalanche pours in. One moment, you have nothing, the next, you have more than you can cope with.”

“Life moves very fast. It rushes us from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds.” 

“The true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.” 

I am (yet again) in a situation where I feel like I am overwhelmed with everything that's happening and not happening in my life. A woman who is almost 30, but still lost in the abyss of the ironies of this world. The feeling that everyday and everything is quite the same, but looking back you'll realized how much times have changed and how much it changed you. I hope, just like Maria I'll be able to see the light at the end of what seems like an unending tunnel.

Wandering Mind

I haven't had enough sleep for almost two weeks. No, it's not completely FarmVille's fault. What keeps me up late at night is my wandering mind. I will never admit that I'm an obsessive thinker, but here's the thing: I do think a lot but not borderline obsessive.

I think about a plethora of things: my self, work, school, career, passion, travel destinations, personal projects, relationships, friends, family and the list goes on. I am also quite addicted to picturing a not-so-far future, a picture perfect future (if there's such a thing). It's a hobby that I have fostered since I was a little kid. I prefer the luxury of lounging on the couch and daydream about a book or movie that I have just seen or read over playing under the heat of the sun. If there's a daydreaming contest, I could've been a shoo-in winner.

But that's just it. I feel that I'm not trying hard enough to make those daydreams a reality. And with that I keep beating myself up. My mom keeps on telling me that it's ok to not have your ducks in a row at my age, even Cosmo tells me that. But I just can't wrap my head around the idea that I'm close to 30 and I have done nothing that is worth jubilating. I know I'm being hypocritical here, you'll say being close to 30 is something worth jubilating. But as they say, age is just a number... Is it too much to ask if I don't want to measure my life with the number of years I have lived instead I want to measure it with the number of lives I have touched? I guess not.

There are times when I wish that I can just live inside my head, because in my head I live a halcyonic life. I have a successful career, the most ideal relationships, and everything that I have ever wanted. Unlike the humdrum reality that I am living.

I've no idea to how to make my daydreams a reality, but one thing is for sure.. I'll never stop daydreaming until I figured out how I'll be able to live my halcyonic life. Just keep the faith self, keep the faith.