I Got a Crush on You

Crush - a very juvenile word, but this simple word is enough to mess up with one's emotions. It can either send you to the moon or would make you want the earth to open up and swallow you up alive. It's been a while that I had a crush on someone, more than a year I guess. You see, I easily find guys pretty to the eyes, but it takes more than that to be that person to be my crush. He should fit the mold that I have created in my mind eons ago. That metaphorical mold hasn't changed since I've created it in my college days. It still have the same qualities that I look for in a person to be my crush. More often than not, these qualities are not met. But I have this tolerance also created (very realistic and logical), so if half of the qualities are met then you are a sure hit! 

I am aware that it is unfair to have these qualities to look for in a guy, especially if you are not Jennifer Lawrence or Emma Stone beautiful. The only thing I think that I have in common with these women is gender. These women are so beyond me. But still, this is just a crush that we are talking about, juvenile remember?

I am normally an awkward person, but if I am anywhere near my crush my awkwardness is magnified, a gazillion times! I don't stutter, but I babble which is basically the same level of awkwardness. What makes it even weird is that I'm not even talking to my crush, it's just me talking to my friends or people in general with my crush in the perimeter.

And when there comes a time that my crush is in the circle and I have the chance to talk to him, I don't! As mentioned, I babble to my friends and single him out of the conversation. To make it seem that I am not interested. 

When he texts me, I think about how many minutes I should let pass before I reply to not seem eager. And I proof read my reply more than I should just to make sure that it appears nonchalant and "cool". When in fact, in my mind we are already vacationing in the South of France or just staying in the couch the whole weekend watching romcom movies and bingeing on pizza and other take away food.

They say that most girls (yes, girls, not women because this is crush we are talking about) change something about their physical appearances so that their crushes would notice. I don't, I stay exactly the same for them not to notice me.

This is where the complications start. I dreamed about vacationing with this guy or doing just about anything under the sun but I don't want him to find out that I am madly crushing on him. Crazy, right? If he finds out, he's not my crush anymore. This is some kind of psychological disorder, I just know. If it's not, then they should make it official and name it after me. It's not like the-thrill-of-the-chase kind of thing because there is no chasing involved in the first place. I just want the-admiration-in-silence if there's that kind of thing. 

Re-reading the post that I just wrote, it got me thinking. Why don't I want to be found out? Is it because I'm scared that the admiration won't be reciprocated the way I want it to be? Or the commitment-phobe in me is scared that it may lead to something and I will be the one who screws it up again?

But I will never stop crushing on someone, because I just love the feeling of butterflies fluttering in my stomach when we connect and the mini heart-attack that I get every time I think that I am found out. It's like being a teenager once again even if that was already a decade ago.

Dear No One

 Note: I was going through my files today and I saw this. Thought of posting it. :)

 

Dear No One,

It’s the second to the last day of the year and I’m here lounging on my couch typing on my computer while the TV is on and I can’t understand what I’m watching listening because my neighbor’s TV is even louder than mine. I don’t have any idea why I thought of writing you a letter. I’m not even sure if I’ve already met you or haven’t. I think I’m just doing this to pass the time or maybe subconsciously I know you’re somewhere out there waiting for me too, aren't you?

Anyway, I don’t know how I’m going to introduce myself to you. Most people tell me that I tend to be the simplest yet most complicated (at the same time) person you’ll ever know. I know for a fact that I’m not bipolar, but sometimes I’d like to think I’m one to justify my insanity. I want to give you a heads up, I’m not the sweetest woman in the world, and I know this to be true. My idea of sweetness is not cuddling, nor texting sweet nothings, for me being able to compose a decent and brief text to you on a mundane day is considered “sweetness”. Please don’t get me wrong. I’m just not used to intimacy, maybe that’s the reason I’m not so eager to meet “someone”. No gray area for me, it’s either black or white. I am in a constant battle with and against myself. I am either very sweet that I could kill you with diabetes or I am the most insensitive person in the world. I tend to bottle up everything and then just throw them away. I don’t warm up to anyone easily. You have to crack me up, or climb these walls I made for myself. If you’re brave enough to do so. You’ll be delighted to know that it’ll be worth it. So please don’t give up on me so easily.

My ideal Friday night is not going out and having rounds of drinks. Yes, I can drink like a 50-year old trucker but I don’t do it often. I just drink when I have something that’s bothering me. What I typically do is stay at home, wear my PJs and just read, write or watch TV. It’s something that I rarely do these days. I have this crazy schedule.  But before you think that I’m a celebrity or this big corporate woman… I would stop you on your tracks. I’m just a mere IT programmer in a manufacturing company. It’s a man’s world, the IT industry. But I love being in it. It’s like saying to the universe that it’s not just for you guys, it’s for us women too!

You can say that I’m a dork or nerd because of the things that I do or I like doing. Admittedly I am. But as usual, I’m not the typical dork. I’m a dork in high heels. I love dressing up! It’s the thing that I enjoy the most. I love cramming or racking my brain up and down to come up with a great outfit combination. If I’ll be able to get a compliment with what I’m wearing, I feel like I’m up in the air. But don’t let this façade fool you, I am way more than that. I can spew useless trivia, and I have the ability to inject these trivia in any conversation. I am talented like that. And I am also very much updated with what’s happening in the world, did I tell you that I’d like to think of myself not as a citizen of a country but of the world? And because of this, I breathe for traveling. I want to see and experience the world. My ultimate bucket list is to visit at least 50 countries before I succumbed to the inevitable oblivion.

No one, I hope you picked a thing or two about me. And I hope you’ll still want me after all this. I hope to see you someday, if not in this lifetime maybe in the next.

Kriann