Ways to Win my Heart

Day 25: Ten ways to win your heart.

I'm not sure if I get to ten because I'm pretty much easy to please. I don't need much in life.

1. That guy should be and must be human. These days you can never tell. Lots of pseudo humans have walked the face of the earth.
2. He should be able to keep up with a conversation. I speak so fast and he should be able to keep up. 
3. He should know how to loosen up and be crazy sometimes. I'm crazy so I want someone who won't judge my craziness.
4. He must eat egg yolks. I don't eat egg yolks so I want someone who'll allow me to put the egg yolk on his plate and not judge me (again).
5. A guy who loves to walk. Whenever I'm burn out, I walk. When I'm sad, I walk. When I'm full, I walk. When I'm happy, I walk. So pretty much I do a lot of walking.
6. He must also accept that at times I just want to be left alone. I want my space. No, I value my space so much.
7. He should not think that I love him less if I don't send him sweet nothings during the day. I'm not a fan of texting. Don't expect me to send you a text each time I do something (i.e. breathe, eat, drink, step, pee), I'll text you at the end of the day to let you know that I'm still alive and getting by with life.
8. Someone who'll let me dress the way I want to. I know what is appropriate and not so no need to lecture me.
9. Who will watch TV with me. And willing to stay on the couch with me the whole day.
10. I love traveling, so I want someone who wants to travel with me. I don't want someone who'll be spending time worrying where I am because he can't be with me because he doesn't want to travel.

Note: If #7 is not applicable to you, then consider yourself lucky. You are one of the few that I make an exemption to. 

I Want to Tell You...

Day 24: Things you want to say to five different people.

My mother:
Ma, thank you for always always being there for me and kuya. I can't thank you enough for the things you did for us. I know you're not perfect, but you are the perfect mother for us.

Brother:
Kuya, we have our disagreements about my choices and most of the times you were right. But you never gave up on me. You let me make mistakes and learn from them. Thank you for that. Thanks for being a brother, a father and a friend.

My English 1 teacher in college:
Mrs. Valbuena, thank you for all the encouragement and support. It's because of you my love for writing deepened. 

My Grandmother:
Mommy, thanks for diligently teaching me how to read and to play the piano. And for all the other stuff that you taught me. Also thank you for making me feel that I am worth it. For making up for the lack of father figure in my life. 

My exes:
Thanks guys for being a part of my life. It may not be a garden of roses but I still thank you nonetheless. At some point you made me happy, maybe happier than I was supposed to be. 

What If?

Day 23: Something you always think "what if" about.

“‘What’ and ‘if’ are two words as non-threatening as words can be, but put them together side by side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.” ~Letters to Juliet

I always say "no regrets", but sometimes I just want to think about the outcome of things if they happened differently. What if my parents didn't break up, will I be the same person as I am today? Will I still take the same course that I did in college? Will I still be a scaredy-cat when it comes to opening up myself to someone? Will I have the courage to leave my family in the province and work here in the metro?

These are just some questions I ask myself, and I know there's no way in hell I'll be able to get some answers.

10 Things About Me That Will Surprise You

Day 22: 10 things about you people don't really expect.

1. I am not as snob as I look. Yes, I get this impression all the time. I just fear rejection so if you don't smile at me first then don't expect me to do it. 
2. I may look like I know everything, but I don't. I could spew useless trivia but I am in no way a genius or an enlightened one.
3. I love chocolates but I don't like chocolate-flavored ice cream or cake. Except if it's the to-die-for CBTL's Toblerone cheesecake.
4. I am a programmer. I may not look like one or dress like one but I am a programmer and a good one at that! Hahaha! I just need to let this one out. Every time I get introduced to someone and asked what I do they just don't believe me. 
5. If I like a movie I'll watch it over and over again till I get tired of it. Then let it rest for a long time then watch it over and over again.
6. I know I've mentioned this before but I'm saying this again. I don't like pink. I find it too girly and I feel that it doesn't suit me. I think it clashes with my aura. Ironically, most of my PJs and home clothes are pink. They're given as gifts though. I'm not sure if my friends and family don't know me that much or they know me too much that they just want to play with me.
7. I may look like a confident grown woman but most of the time I'm not. I just fake it! I have a pillow that I had since infancy and I can't sleep without it till now. It's like my security blanket err pillow(?).
8. I'm OC when it comes to books and magazines. You can't touch them unless I'm done reading them.
9. I can wear a very short dress or skirt but I can't wear a backless dress or top. I get too conscious when my scoliotic back is bared.
10. I am nearly on  my thirties but I still haven't figured out what to do for the rest of my life. 

I Can't Get Over You

Day 21: Something you can't seem to get over.

I know I'm over a month late with this blog challenge but please don't judge me. I had so much on my plate. And I'm not sure if I'm ready to face the big elephant in the room with this 21st day challenge. But I'm here now, and it means that I'm ready to face it.

There's one situation that I can't get over with. Situation that happened more than two decades ago. I just seem to have moved on because I pretend to but in reality I am still treading waters that is 100-meters deep.

I can't get over the fact that I've been left and replaced by the person that I cared about so much. I just need an explanation, that's all. Is it too much to ask? I just want to know why am I worth leaving for. Is it because of the things that I did or didn't do? I just want to know so that I won't be making the same mistakes again.

I'm not mad at you father, I'm just mad at what you did. I don't care whose to blame. All I know is that if and when I do have a kid, I will never ever leave him/her. And even if I'm forced to, I would never let him/her feel abandoned and unloved by me. I'll make time to be present in his/her life even if it'll kill me.

I don't want to blame you, but you see the reason that I'm so scared of commitments is because you've quite set the bar. I'm scared that if I open my heart enough for someone, they will think that they have this right to trample my being any way they want.

It's a shitty thing to think about, but it's the truth. I just wish that someday, somehow I'll learn to get over you and what you did to me and my brother.

2013 Year-End Report

It’s roughly 13 hours before 2013 closes. And that only means I have to write my year-end report. It’s not like someone will sue or shoot me if I didn't write one, but it’s because I made a promise to myself a few years back that I will write a year-end report each freaking year. It's getting old, seriously! I write almost the same things over and over again. It seems like each year, I have the same pattern. But not this year, I am pretty excited to write about it. It’s kind of different but the same. To make it different I’m just going to make a list of everything that happened this year. Well, not everything, I may have to remove or not disclose some of those things. *wink*

I was excited to start 2013. I had a temp job waiting and I just couldn't wait what would be in store for me as the year unfolds. So here it goes…

1. Got a temp job. A high-paying temp job, but sadly it wasn’t for me. The schedule was crazy and the job was routinary. 

2. Met “someone” at my temp job. Not really a good news. 

3. Got a call from the job that I’ve applied for 3 months ago (October 2012).

4. Got the job! Yey!

5. Left my temp job. A bit sad but I know it’s for my own good.

6. Found "a really good friend" in the person of “someone’s” friend.

7. Met great people in my new job. Hooray for new friends!

8. Broke up with “someone”. Thank god?! Moving on…

9. My first project went live! 

10. Got regularized! Another YEY moment.

11. Attended a training that gained me more great friends.

12. Ran 3K, 5K, 10K

13. Falling for “a really good friend”.

14. Went on a beach trip with family.

15. Avoided “a really good friend” to prevent from being hurt all over again.

16. Nursed my almost broken heart.  Yeah right.

17. Fan-girling on someone else’s past relationship. Can you blame me? I love them both and I love the idea of them together. :-)

18. Sitting on a couch making this stupid list. Hahaha! 

All in all, 2013 has been a great year for me. Lots of ups and downs but it’s all worth it. Also, in between each item on my list I had lots of coffees, meals and crazy conversations with my new friends.

In case you want to read my 2012 year-end report and the year before that (2011). :-)

Nicest Thing Someone has Ever Done for Me

The nicest thing someone (not including family and close friends) has ever done for me is offering me the last Paulo Coelho book at the bookstore. It was in 2007, four years after Mr. Coelho published Eleven Minutes. That time I just recently discovered his wonderful literary works. I’ve already read most of his books, nine to be exact except for the elusive Eleven Minutes. It was always sold out.

I remember that day, it was two days before my 22nd birthday. And it was the last book on the shelf. The guy got to the book first, and he saw my face dropped when I realized that I won’t be going home with the book yet again. Then he told me that he’s supposed to replace his sister’s copy because she lost it. Then he gave the book to me, telling me that his sister already read it and it probably meant more to me. I couldn’t contain my happiness! I was so ecstatic to finally be able to read the book. And I also told him that it’s my birthday soon so he wouldn’t regret giving me the book.

I find it as the nicest gesture by a stranger because if it were me, I wouldn’t care if it’s your birthday. Hahaha! I am really selfish when it comes to books. Thank god for nice strangers.

19 Questions We Should All Ask More Often

We’ve all been there before, the lull in a conversation where it’s someone’s turn to ask a question in order to keep the conversation going. Maybe it’s on a date, maybe it’s with someone you just met, or maybe it’s an old friend that you’ve grown distant from and are trying to reconnect with. Maybe it’s not a lull in the conversation and maybe you’re trying to more deeply understand the core of another but you can’t quite figure out how to go about it. The opportunities for deeper connection and understanding come from the questions you ask. Rather than asking standards like “So, how are you?” or “Where did you grow up?” or “What’s your family like?” here are 19 thought-provoking questions to ask others (and ourselves) more often.

1. What is one of the nicest things someone has ever done for you?
2. Who/what do you love most and what are you doing about it?
3. How do you show yourself that you love yourself?
4. Whose life do you believe you’ve had the biggest impact on?
5. What is home to you?
6. Is there anybody in your life that you would like to forgive, but haven’t?
7. When is silence more meaningful than words?
8. What do you wish you knew?
9. Are there chances you’ve passed up that you wish you’d have taken?
10. When was the last time you lied? Why?
11. What will you never give up on?
12. What is the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
13. How do you know when it’s time to let go of something or someone?
14. What do you wish someone would ask you?
15. What have you witnessed that has strengthened/weakened your faith in humanity?
16. Are there things that you sometimes pretend you understand, but actually don’t?
17. What big lesson could someone learn from your life?
18. What have you done lately that’s worth remembering?
19. What is the simplest truth you can say with words? 

By Jen Tack (Thought Catalog)

Last Argument

Day 20: The last argument you had.

The last argument I had was with my brother. It's not something huge though. It was just about what we're having for dinner, if it's pasta or any dish with rice. But honestly, I argue with myself a lot of times.  It works for me, especially when I'm having doubts. I play good cop at the same time the bad cop. It's my way of weighing things out. 

My Favorite Things

Day 19: Something that never fails to make you feel better.

Have you heard of the song My Favorite Things? No? It was sang by Maria in The Sound of Music? No? Really? Do you live in a cave? Anyway, the song is supposed to make you feel better when you are sad. The song is about all your favorite things. Anyway, here's a video of the song for you to have an idea about what I'm talking about.

 

Here's a list of the things that make me feel better:

1. Chocolates - my instant pick-me-upper. 
2. Good book - When I read a good book, I tend to forget about what's happening in the world.
3. Bacon - I can eat bacon my entire life. If only I wouldn't die of too much fats and cholesterol in my body.
4. A cold shower - never fails to make me feel refreshed every time.
5. Candies - Jelly Bellys, Skittles, Nerds... I would welcome you with open arms!
6. Comforting hug - I'm not a hugger, but I do enjoy comforting hugs.
7. Shopping - if it's a free shopping spree! 

Disrespecting Parents

Day 18: Disrespecting parents

I know I'm not the model daughter, not even close but I know that disrespecting your parents is one of the biggest sin a child would ever commit. I have this great respect for them because they were the ones who "made" me. Regardless if they raised me or not, I wouldn't care, bringing me out of this earth is enough for me to thank them for the rest of my life.

What Scares Me

Day 17: Things that make you scared.

There aren't lots of things that make me scared. I'm quite a toughie you know. I love watching scary movies (the genre, not the movies with the same title). It gives me quite a thrill and I like that. But there are just certain things that I am really afraid of, that would have me screaming and running.

1. Roaches - whether crawling, flying I just can't stand them. When I was a kid, I wasn't afraid of them but since I have learned how much germs they carry with them... Arghh... I just can't stand them. If I see one in my bedroom before I go to bed, chances are I won't be able to sleep the whole night.
2. Arachnids - I can take the house spiders but other than that, no thanks. I know how poisonous they can be. 
3. Deep waters - I'm the worst swimmer in the history of worst swimmers. I'm not really sure if I know how to swim or I just know how to stay afloat for a little while. Regardless if I know how to swim or not, I still don't like deep waters. I had this knee injury during the sophomore year in college and when it is soaked in water I tend to have this killing sprain. So, if I'm somewhere deep I'll have no way of getting myself out of the water. Maybe I'll just stop breathing and wait for my time.
4. Death - I know it is inevitable. But I'm still afraid of it. I'm not scared of dying, but I'm scared of the outcome of having someone you care about die. It's just the worst feeling in the world.

3 Things I Like About Me

Day 16: 3 Things you are proud of about your personality.

There are lots days when I am proud of myself, but there are also certain days when I feel like I don't amount to something. But today, I'm going to write about the things that I am proud of about myself.

Never Give Up Award

I am the kind of person who never rarely gives up. Even if the whole world is expecting me to quit, I don't. That's one of the traits of a fiery Aries. I have this thought that "what if at the time that I decided to give up, I was just a foot away from winning or getting what I want?" So I never quit, unless I know it's a hopeless case, but it's a different story though.

Don't Care Attitude

Yes, I have mastered the art of deadma (not caring). I care for other people of course, I just don't care what other people think of me. I used to listen to every comment people say about me, but it got me nothing but low self-esteem. And I have decided that whatever I will do, people will always have something to say about me. So, I just let them be.

Good Memory

I don't know if this is a gift or a curse. I remember everything. Even the tiniest detail. No, I don't have the eidetic memory of Mike Ross (Hello Mike Ross!) but I have good enough memory to remember the good and the bad. It is a gift because I remember all the happy memories in detail, like watching a movie or an AVP, but it's also a curse because I will never forget all the times that my heart has been broken. And not just the memory, I can also recall the pain that I went through.

This Week's Report

Day 15: The best thing that happened to you this week.

Since I'm basically 7 days late with this challenge, I'm just going to talk about the present week. This week, my cousins, friends and I helped out with the relief efforts for the victims of typhoon Haiyan (Yolanda). We repacked hygiene kits as well as food packs for the thousands of families that were affected by the devastation. It was tiring but it was also fullfiling knowing we were able to make a difference even in our own little way.

Work-wise, it's practically the same every week. And it's still complicated. Yes, that's how I describe the relationship I have with my work. I have a love-hate relationship with it. And seriously, programming is complicated. It is the activity that cost me three quarters of my brain cells. So pardon me if I don't make sense most of the time or when I don't recognize you even if we see each other on a daily basis and we actually had interaction more than thrice. Please don't take it against me, take it against my diminishing brain cells.

And about that "thing", well... it's still a work in progress. ☺

Ewww

Day 14: Something disgusting that you do.

I may have a blurred line between normal and weird but I can surely identify what's disgusting and what's not. I seriously can't think of anything disgusting that I do. The only thing that I think is disgusting is my laziness of doing the laundry. Yeah, I love dressing up but ironically I hate doing the laundry. My mom always complain when she visits because I have this huge pile of dirty laundry in my room. I think it's disgusting because I'm a girl and I'm supposed to NOT have a piled up laundry.

Update: 

And ohh, while I was on the train this morning and I saw a kid chewing a gum and I remember that when I was a kid my mom never let us chew gums. She (as well as my grandma) thinks that it's not appropriate for girls to chew gums. So whenever I got the opportunity to chew a gum it's like heaven! It's just once in a blue moon that I get to taste one, so it feels like Christmas! The disgusting part you ask? When the sweetness of the gum is gone, I put a teaspoon of sugar in my mouth and chew the gum again. Ewww. Yes, I know. But I just can't afford to spit a gum out right away. It's a rare commodity so, you gotta do what you gottta do. 

Just so you know, I stopped popping sugar in my mouth while chewing a gum during high school. Because I got extra cash to buy my stash of gum. And it was also banned from my school, and well my mom was right... Girls chewing gum is not a good sight to see.

Ideal Date

Day 13: A date you would love to go on.

My ideal date is nothing fancy. I don't want to go to a fancy restaurant and have food that I can't even pronounce. In fact, I want my date to be low key. I want something "unplanned". I just want the day to unfold by itself. We can start by going to a park, then eat some street food, go sight seeing in the metro and maybe grab a cup of coffee while people watching. And finally cap the day while watching the sunset.

This is the kind of date that I would love to go to because I don't have to be anyone else but myself. Yes, I would love some fancy dinner but I'd rather that we spend the day talking about ourselves than worrying about how much we've spent on a single dish. Or worst worrying if it's ok that we go Dutch or I'll let you pay for everything. And I don't want to obsess about the clothes that I'm supposed to wear, if it'll go with shoes and my purse. Truthfully, I don't really care where my date takes me, as long as we click we're sure going to be a hit! 

Dear Ex

Day 12: Things you want to say to an ex.

When I first saw this blog challenge and got to number 12, I thought I have lots of things to say to my exes. Then came the 12th day of the challenge, and I ran out of things to say to them. I'm not sure if I don't have anything to say, or I just don't want to say anything to any of them.

It already happened, let's just put the past behind. So, I think if ever I have to say anything to them... It will be:

"Thank you for being a part of my life. I'm sorry we didn't work out. We were young, we were fools, we were just never meant to be."

"And you were basically stupid and a douche for telling me that you'll wait for me and then getting another girl pregnant. I just wish you never said that you'll wait so I won't expect, and I won't come running home from my "bright future" you freaking moron."

Singletons

Day 11: Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

So, when this will ever end? This is the topic that I hate the most. No, don't get me wrong. I LOVE being single and all it's perks. I'm just not a fan of the stares people give you when they find out that you're single. It's like you have this really contagious disease that everyone will start talking about you. Or worst, you have this terminal illness that everyone will have pity on you. Yes, I'd rather have the first than the latter. I can take being avoided but being pitied on? I just can't. Now, I'm going to make a list of the pros and cons of being single.

Pros:

1. You don't need your partner's permission if you want to go on a weekend trip with your girl friends.
2. You don't have to explain yourself why you have to go on a trip alone.
3. You can decide to just do nothing the entire weekend.
4. No anniversaries, monthsaries,weeksaries and other -saries  to remember. And this also means you don't have to buy presents for your "someone".
5. And you don't have to wear those "über cute" couples' shirts. (Barf bag please).

Cons:

    1. You get tired of eating dinner by yourself. Table for one please.

    2. You have no one to talk to when all of your friends are hanging out with their special someone. 

    3. You have no one to cuddle with but your oversized pillow.

    4. No anniversaries, no gifts.

    5. You're constant texter is your network provider.

Drugs and Alcohol Don't Mix

Day 10: Your views on drugs and alcohol

I am against any kind of drugs, except medical of course. That has been and will always be my stand. I just don't get it. People know that it's not good for them, yet they still use it. Many lives were lost to drugs, many relationships and families have been broken because of drugs too. And besides, I heard those stuff are really expensive. I would rather spend my hard earned money on food, a new pair of shoes, clothes and some more food. My kind of high is the high you get from shopping and eating. 

It's a different story when it comes to alcohol though. I drink, yes I do. But I'm not an alcoholic (that's what all alcoholic says) and I'm sure about that. But I do enjoy a bottle of beer every once in a while with my friends, or a glass or two of Cosmo. Or we can get crazy and gulp a pitcher in one sitting. I don't know what's with drinking, but it's fun especially when you drink with your friends on a Saturday night and not worrying about getting a hangover the next day because it's a Sunday.

The Last Kiss

Day 9: Your Last Kiss

If I knew that I would be doing a blog challenge and this is one of the topics, I would've taken note of the date and time that I last kissed someone. I would've written it on a note or something or maybe Instagrammed it. But I didn't and I know I wouldn't even if I knew that it will be our last kiss. So now I can't remember when exactly was it.

I know it was before my birthday, and of course I remember who and where. I wasn't drunk, neither was he. We were both sane and sober. And I can still remember the people that we're with that day. Don't you worry my non-existent blog readers, next time that I'll kiss someone I'll try my best to record each "occurrence" on my log book so that I'll be ready with my answers. Who knows, in the next blog challenge this question will still come up. Or... One day when I wake up, I will find out that the world is a huge big brother house (or world?) and each one of us is a participant. And I will be asked when was my last kiss as the million dollar question and I'll miss my shot at becoming a millionaire. 

PS I didn't think about this post, I'm so tired from all the eating, laughing and talking with my friends for 6 hours. So please please please pardon my entry.

Worries?

Day 8: Something You're Currently a Worrying About

I don't get worried so easily. So if I worry, it is really something worth worrying for. I'm like a guy when it comes to dealing with things. I compartmentalize. If there's something bothering me, I don't obsess on it. If I have something far more important to do, I pack that thing that's bothering me and put it at the back of my brain and open it when I'm able and ready. Actually, I already have a garage at the farthest corner of my brain full of unopened boxes. I know it's unhealthy but it works for me.

Ok, so much of my "unhealthy" habit and let's get back to business. The thing that's worrying me now is work. I have deadlines to meet and big projects to develop. I'm not worried because I won't be able to deliver because I know I can. But I'm worried because I might be so focused on my work and forget about living. It already happened before and cost me my relationship at that time. I just don't want to make the same mistake again. But on second thought, I'm not in a relationship so I don't have to worry about a thing. 

Why Do People Cheat?

Day 7: Your Opinion on Cheating on People

Most of the time people cheat because they wanted to get ahead. Like students during exams, and politicians so they would win the electoral races. I think the bottom line is they wanted to win so badly that they result to cheating. That, I can understand because we humans always have the urge to win it’s just up to us if we give in to that urge or not.

But when it comes to relationship, it’s a different story. If people cheat to win, then what is there to win if we cheat on the person that we love or care for? In the first place, why would you cheat if you love that person? Because last time I checked, if you love someone you’ll never do anything to hurt him/her. And cheating will definitely hurt him/her. This is a very sensitive topic for me because I have been cheated on more than I wanted to.

Being cheated on is very hurtful, you’ll feel so much pain that will make you question your will to live. It is something that will make the person cheated on to wonder what’s wrong with him/her. In my opinion, if you’re not happy with what you have, then tell the other person so that you’ll no longer prolong your agony. It will hurt, yes. But you will spare the person from another level of hurt, and you’ll spare yourself from hurting other people even more.

The Person That I Like

Day 6:  The Person You Like

Do I name the person I like or should I just describe him/her? Anyway, the person that I like who’s not fictional is someone that I see almost on a daily basis. I would like to stress the “not fictional” because I like way too many fictional people and I obsess over some of them too (Harvey Specter, hello?). Well, that’s just me being me. Moving on, the person that I was talking about.. I don’t like him as a whole (is there such a thing?). Will you judge me if I’ll tell you that I only like his body? But before you judge me, please know that HIS body is the ideal body that I want in a guy. He’s tall and buff and he kind of have a pretty face (for a guy) and he has this crazy sense of humor. If I were just a normal girl, I think I would fall for him like most girls (women and old ladies included). But certainly by now you know I’m not most girls nor normal. So, I just don’t find him as someone who will sweep me off my feet. 

In case you're wondering (since he didn't cut the part of being my future boyfriend), I'm still looking for him somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight. :-)

What Bugs me About Guys

For the fifth day: Five things that irritate you about the opposite sex.

Hmm... I haven't really given this a thought before the blog challenge. I've lived with guys my entire life. But before you think that I'm Slutty McPhee, those guys that I've lived with are my brother and my cousins. I've lived with guys long enough that I think nothing bugs me now because I just gotten so used to them. And aside from being used to living with guys, my brother and my cousins are so easy to live with. They are very hygienic and not messy at all. Who am I to complain? I was and still am treated like a freaking royalty! Still I will try to think of something. I can't promise five though. 

Okay, so here goes my list. Just know that this list is unofficial (is there an official list?) I'll just type here whatever that comes to my mind.

30 minutes later and I haven't thought of anything worth writing here. So I think it's safe to say that I haven't found anything that bugs me about the opposite sex yet. Immersion is a great help. :-)

What You Wear to Bed

I'm a PJ's girl through and through. I love a comfy pair when I go to bed. And I also wear my socks and a sweatshirt to bed too. No, I don't live in Antarctica, but I love it when the air-conditioner's on full blast and I'm freezing like a cat in the North Pole. I am convinced that in my past life I lived in Winterfell.

What Attracts Me

This is the third post now. I'm on a roll! I hope this goes on till I reached the end of the 30 day challenge. The third day blog challenge is to write about the kind of person that attracts me.

Without further adieu this is my list:

1. He should be able to keep up with a conversation. When I'm in the mood, my mouth fires up like a machine gun. So, he should be able to keep up with me. I don't care if you are the most good looking guy in the world if you can't carry out a conversation.
2. He must not be able to just carry out a conversation, but he also needs to have substance. I want someone that I can talk to, and actually have sense. I talk nonsense most of the time so I need someone to balance out the conversation. I also want someone who is intelligent, who can spew a few (useless) trivia and who's updated with what's happening with the world.
3. And lastly, I want someone who is taller and older (5 years tops) than me. And it will be a bonus if he has this Greek/Roman nose and wears geeky (not nerdy, but cool-looking) glasses. 

If a guy has all this, and he asked me out I would say yes in a heartbeat. See? I'm not really that picky! 

The Past Two Years

This second entry is about how I have changed in the past two years. It's weird because I still feel the same but different. You know what I mean? See? I'm really weird that way. Anyway, many things happened the past two years, I lost a very special person, my maternal grandmother. I quit my job, became a professional bum, then got a temp job, and then landed the one that I have now. I also got a kick of dating someone more than a month. Trust me, it's a level up for me.

On a serious note, I think I became stronger emotionally and spiritually. I've learned to let go of things and people all the same. I have also learned that not everything you wish for is good for you. And some dreams when they come true does not necessarily mean that you'll be happy. I had also lost some guys to oblivion, but nevertheless I was happy being with them. (Please take note that by "guys" I didn't mean that I dated them simultaneously)

Physically, I think I lose some weight, and I've had my hair long and wavy, long and stick-straight, long and curly, short and curly, and now short and straight.

I think that I'm still the same person that I was two years ago, it's just that I'm a better version.

Weird Things You Do When You're Alone

I have this messed up definition of weird because I have this blurred line between weird and normal. I do weird things on a regular basis that they already became the norm. So the first post of this blog challenge is a tad bit challenging for me.

Before I even started writing this entry I have racked my brain up, down, left, right for all the weird things that I do but then again I can't seem to distinguish the normal from the weird. Tough job.

1. I start reading all the first two chapters of the new (e)books that I have on my iPad then continue reading the one that I will find most interesting.
2. Take duckface selfies on the mirror and then deleting everything. I just don't have the nerve to post those kind of photos. Or maybe, I just don't look good doing a duckface so I'm scared to death that I will be judged. And I have also read duckface is so 2012, sparrow face is the new trend for selfies. I must learn to do that. Research Kristina, research.
3. I talk to myself. You may find this weird, but I find this pretty normal. And it gets me through whatever I'm going through.
4. Whenever I'm alone I plan all the things that I want to do and then never get to do it because it's either I fall asleep or just get carried away playing games on my iPad.

Looking at the list that I made I think I'm not that weird though. Or maybe the things that I do when I'm alone are not that weird.. 

Just Another Update

It’s another long weekend, even longer than the long weekend I had last week. I’m pretty much busy balancing work and my personal life so having a long weekend is a breathe of fresh air. Yes, work takes 70% of my time but I always find time to enjoy the little things in life. 

So to prove to you that I got a life outside work I'm going to chronicle the things that I've done the past two months. It's not much but clearly it will suffice.

1. Participated on a Management Development Program Training. (I know it's still work-related but it didn't feel like one. I had the best time.)
2. Went on a 2-day vacation with family on the beach (and by family I meant cousins)
3. Agreed on two first dates (No thanks to my friends. Not really horrible, but let's just say that they're not second date material.)
4. Had food coma more than thrice. (Yes, I eat and run!)
5. Ran a 10K marathon and finished it! (Yes! I. Did. It! It's now off my bucket list.)
6. Met three new international friends. (Jane, Michelle and Sophie)
7. Got a bit wasted with Kristoff and Louie. (We partied the night away with our 3 new international friends)

I think that pretty much summed up the two months that I've been MIA on this blog. But don't you worry my non-existent readers, I'll try to post 30 more entries this month. See you around. 

Another Blog Challenge

It's Just a Phase, or Forever Single?

This is the only recurring event in my life which never fails to amaze and amuse me. That no matter how I tell myself that I am ready and willing to commit, I can't seem to manage to hold on to a relationship long enough for it to even work on its own. 

But of course, it's not always my fault. Or is it? I don't want to take all the blame. Relationships never fail for just one person's mistakes and shortcomings. There's always a mutual contribution why relationships end and never last.

It sucks how when you've already decided to make it work that it just never does. And you are just left to wonder if that's just how things are meant to be. Is it really destiny that decides when it's meant for you or do you have any off-handed way of making destiny all of a sudden decide that it's not meant for you? Coz lately, I keep thinking that no matter how hard you try and no amount of effort you give would make it work if destiny has decided to just take it away. And take it away, it did.

That's why I never want to talk about it. That's why I never want to shout it to the world because, from experience, whenever I do that, there comes something that just takes everything away as if I just didn't announce how important it is to me. And without any consideration, I am again left with nothing.

Sometimes, I say to myself that the only reason I was never comfortable with break-ups (ok, fine, who ever is comfortable with that anyway?) is that I just never know what to do immediately after it. I always have a bunch of feelings trying to gain domination over my being. I never really do just one thing. I am usually left confused because I never really know whether to cry, break down, fight back or even beg. Sometimes, with the confusion, I tend to do a jumble of everything which, turns out to be hysterical and it always ends up with me just laughing it off for how mature I have been in dealing with it. 

To be honest, I don't loathe being alone. I actually welcome being single again (after all, it seems I am perpertually just that anyway) but I just find that I have never really known how to handle the void which is always left after break-ups. I scramble doing everything all at once just so I don't feel the sudden emptiness. I try to fill the void with whatever I could find, even momentary, just so I don't feel it. That couldn't be right but it's worked for me all these time. It's like self-preservation of some sort.

I'm letting go of something that could still have worked only because he already gave up. I would've wanted to give it another try but I am never going to go back to someone who's already rejected me. I've done what I could and I have no regrets. Would I still go through it again given the chance? Sure. But only for the lessons. Only for that. It's true what they say that if it's too good to be true, it probably is. Well, at least now I know for real.

I couldn't say I never tried. Because I did.

Too bad for him, it's really his loss. 

To My Angel in Red

Tomorrow is the second year that we don't have you in our lives. I can still remember that day, it was Sunday and I just got home from the hospital, I was on the "night shift" with you in the ICU. I barely had an hour of sleep when I got a call and was told that you may be leaving soon. I, as well as everyone in the family felt lost. You were always the one keeping the family together. 

You were the problem solver. You provided us all the things that we needed and wanted. You cooked the best meals, played the best music, the best storyteller ever. You threw the best parties, you were the entertainer, the life of the party. Mommy, I wish I could be half the person that you were. The person who touched so many lives with your profession and your personality.

I didn't think that it would be possible, but your leaving made us stronger and closer. Even when you're gone, you're still the glue that binds us all together. I miss you very single day, and I long for the day that we will be together. It won't be hard for me to spot you, because amongst the angels in heaven.. You are my angel in red. I love you so much mommy. You're the best grandma! 

Conversations with Myself #1

“Kristina what’s the one thing in your life that you dreamed of that you haven’t achieved yet?”

(Yes, I call myself Kristina when I want to knock some sense into my messed up mind. Also that’s what my mom calls me when I’ve done something wrong when I was a kid.)

“Just one thing? Really? Can I have at least ten?”

“No, just one Kristina.”

“But, I have so many….”

“Shush! Seriously, just think of one.”

“Ok, ok. Fine! Honestly, I’m nearing 30 and I have no investments more than a hundred grand. I buy gadgets and clothes, yes. But can you really call those long term investments? Of course not. Also I haven’t quite figured out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I’m really a big ball of beautiful mess.”

“You’ve got quite and introduction there. Just get to the point already.”

“Why are you in a hurry? Anyway, I think the one thing that I haven’t achieved yet is getting my father to be proud of me. I’ve lived my whole life doing things that I thought he would be proud of, but it never happened. So I just stopped.”

“Stopped? How?”

“When I said stopped, I didn’t mean that I stopped doing things. What I meant is I stopped doing things for the sole reason of making my father proud. I still do a lot of things now, but I do it because I want to be proud of myself and also because it makes me happy. I stopped doing things for the wrong reasons. Got it?”

“Yes, got it. Gosh, it’s the first entry for your series and it’s really serious. No wonder nobody reads your blog.”

“Ouch, that hurts. But really, I don’t care if nobody reads this blog. I made this for me, not for anyone else.”

“Attagirl. Till our next conversation.”

Conversations with Myself

I'm talkin' to myself in public, dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talkin' about me
I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think
There must be somethin' wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinkin', somehow I've lost my mind – Matchbox 20, Unwell

The other day while I was on the train, on my way home, a brilliant idea came to my mind. Yes, it is brilliant because it IS my idea. I thought of making a blog series and it will be called “Conversations with Myself”. I actually do this all the time, I talk to myself like I talk to a really good friend. But often times these conversations take place in my mind, because it will be really awkward talking to yourself out loud, in public. It’s like telling the world that you’re crazy, which by the way I’m not (I’m just a little unwell).

So, in the coming entries of my blogsite you will bump into this series. Stay tuned.

P.S. I googled “Conversations with Myself”, and I came to know that Nelson Mandela has a memoir with the same name. Brilliant minds think alike. Hahaha!  

Would You Rather be the Dumpee or the Dumper?

A really close friend and I were talking chatting, this afternoon over Viber while I was trying to reorganize my room for the millionth time. We talked about a lot of stuff; we talked about the things we did when we were younger, our good ol’ college days and of course the guys that we dated. We visited our exes’ Facebook pages and tried to get some hints on where they are now and what they look like. And we both have the same conclusion, “thank god we didn't end up together”. They’re not really that bad they're actually family men now, we just think that if our relationships worked out, we won’t be able to do the things that we were or still able to do. For sure, we would be married by now, have kids and maybe become full-time housewives. God, I can’t picture myself not going to work every day! We had a good laugh and then out of the blue my friend asked me this question: Would you rather be the dumpee or the dumper?

I've been both the dumper and the dumpee at some point of my life, but I've always been a dumper. No, it's not a proud moment for me. In fact, I see it as my weakest point. I am a commitmentphobe, so basically I am pistanthrophobic as well. Pistanthrophobia if you ask is a fear of trusting people. If you dig deep or read through my posts in this blog you will know that this fear is caused by the things that happened before I've even reached my teenage years. My father was my most favorite person in the world. My father and I did almost all things together, I was the typical daddy's girl. Then a terrible thing happened, my parents broke up when I was still in second grade and from then on my brother and I stayed with my maternal grandparents while my mom was making a living here in the metro. My father used to write us letters every month, then the letters became cards that were only sent during our birthdays and Christmases and after a couple of years he just stopped. From fourth grade to college I had no contact with him. And  because of that I've come to accept that you can't trust anyone because even your greatest personal superhero won't be there for you. 

So much of the history and flashbacks (I'm teary-eyed again, when will this ever stop?) now back to the real reason why I'm writing this blog post. I'm a scaredy-cat when it comes to relationships, when I feel that it's getting serious I back out like I'm on autopilot. Hence, the dumper. If you think that the dumpers' situation is easier... no, it's definitely not! But because I have this selfish thought that I'd rather be someone who will cause pain now than be pained on a greater scale later, it justifies me being the dumper. 

I've experienced being the dumpee too more than I wanted to be. And that's one of the reasons why I became a dumper. Being a dumpee brings your morale so low that it will reach the center of the earth and it'll be hard for you to bring it back up. It'll take too much work and time to bring it back to the face of the earth. And when you're able to do so, you open up and then unknowingly you're sinking back to the center of the earth once again. It's a vicious cycle. It's like you're only given time to stand back up just so they'll be able to push you down once again. 

Now that I thought about it I realized that I need to shed my selfish thoughts and faux strength and let things take it's natural course. I'd rather be hurt than be the person who causes hurt. I know it'll be hard for me because I love myself way too much to allow myself to be pained but I know it is the right thing to do. 

PS I actually don't leave a person because he doesn't like me or I don't like him (I can't say love, because it really is a big word for me. And I'll only be able to say it when I mean it.), actually it's the other way around. I leave him because I think I like him or he likes me too much and I'm afraid that I'll hurt myself in the process. Selfish, yes. Dumping someone is kind of a self-defense for me. But definitely not healthy emotionally. And so I came to a conclusion that from now on, I'd rather be the dumpee than the dumper. But if you're not in a healthy relationship and worst you're being abused, being a dumpee is not an option. Go ahead and dump that person ASAP!