Crush - a very juvenile word, but this simple word is enough to mess up with one's emotions. It can either send you to the moon or would make you want the earth to open up and swallow you up alive. It's been a while that I had a crush on someone, more than a year I guess. You see, I easily find guys pretty to the eyes, but it takes more than that to be that person to be my crush. He should fit the mold that I have created in my mind eons ago. That metaphorical mold hasn't changed since I've created it in my college days. It still have the same qualities that I look for in a person to be my crush. More often than not, these qualities are not met. But I have this tolerance also created (very realistic and logical), so if half of the qualities are met then you are a sure hit!
I am aware that it is unfair to have these qualities to look for in a guy, especially if you are not Jennifer Lawrence or Emma Stone beautiful. The only thing I think that I have in common with these women is gender. These women are so beyond me. But still, this is just a crush that we are talking about, juvenile remember?
I am normally an awkward person, but if I am anywhere near my crush my awkwardness is magnified, a gazillion times! I don't stutter, but I babble which is basically the same level of awkwardness. What makes it even weird is that I'm not even talking to my crush, it's just me talking to my friends or people in general with my crush in the perimeter.
And when there comes a time that my crush is in the circle and I have the chance to talk to him, I don't! As mentioned, I babble to my friends and single him out of the conversation. To make it seem that I am not interested.
When he texts me, I think about how many minutes I should let pass before I reply to not seem eager. And I proof read my reply more than I should just to make sure that it appears nonchalant and "cool". When in fact, in my mind we are already vacationing in the South of France or just staying in the couch the whole weekend watching romcom movies and bingeing on pizza and other take away food.
They say that most girls (yes, girls, not women because this is crush we are talking about) change something about their physical appearances so that their crushes would notice. I don't, I stay exactly the same for them not to notice me.
This is where the complications start. I dreamed about vacationing with this guy or doing just about anything under the sun but I don't want him to find out that I am madly crushing on him. Crazy, right? If he finds out, he's not my crush anymore. This is some kind of psychological disorder, I just know. If it's not, then they should make it official and name it after me. It's not like the-thrill-of-the-chase kind of thing because there is no chasing involved in the first place. I just want the-admiration-in-silence if there's that kind of thing.
Re-reading the post that I just wrote, it got me thinking. Why don't I want to be found out? Is it because I'm scared that the admiration won't be reciprocated the way I want it to be? Or the commitment-phobe in me is scared that it may lead to something and I will be the one who screws it up again?
But I will never stop crushing on someone, because I just love the feeling of butterflies fluttering in my stomach when we connect and the mini heart-attack that I get every time I think that I am found out. It's like being a teenager once again even if that was already a decade ago.
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