I Moved!

I think this blog has more than served it's purpose, and it's about time that I move on to a new one. If you still want to follow and read my adventures and misadventures with life, come see me at:

http://kriann.blogspot.com

Believe in Something

I have at least five of them. And I wouldn't trade them for the world. 😊

Kristina Decided to Live

If you are one of the five readers of this blog, you would know that I am a huge fan of Paulo Coelho. A few days back I've re-read Veronika Decides to Die, it's the second book of Coelho that I've purchased and read. I first read it when I was just 20, and fresh out of college and I've re-read it now, a decade later. 

It talks about humanity and insanity, which in my opinion goes hand in hand. And of course about life and death. 

When I first read it, it didn't appeal to me as much as it does today. My twenty year old self had a hard time relating to Veronika, I just graduated that time and had so much expectations in life after school. I had all the drive a fresh college grad can contain in one tiny body. I was full of life, and Veronika ironically, already decided that she wanted to end hers. 

I didn't quite understand where Veronika was coming from, but now I can say that I do understand almost every inch of her. It's not like I've considered taking my own life. I can't bear even just the thought of it. And I'm scared of my mom, because she told me before that if I wanted to kill myself, she would kill me, as she's the one who brought me here on earth. Just think of it, you taking your own life and your mom "kills" you again for that. All I can think of is a double dead meat. 

Kidding aside, I never think of suicide as a solution to a problem. It is actually a problem for the people that you'll leave behind. Also, what if there is life after death? Where will I be? I can't be in a pit of fire for eternity, or whatever hell may turn out to be. And there's this thing called pride. Taking my own life will mean that I accepted defeat and that's the thing that I cannot live with. Pun intended. 

Veronika didn't think of these things when she decided to end her life. All she wanted was to end it. Period. I went through a phase in life where everything was just routinary. Every day was the same as the other. But I didn't let that be the reason to cease living. Instead, I strived hard to get off the routinary path. 

I was like Veronika during my teenage years, I did everything to make my family proud even if I wasn't fully on board with what they wanted me to do and become. Like her I started playing the piano at such a young age, I'm actually pretty good at it due to constant practice. But if I had the choice I would've learned to play the violin. My grandma also dragged me to ballet classes, good thing the school closed so I was off the hook after a year.  Because I would rather be locked in a closet reading books than wearing tutus and pirouette-ing amidst the judgy looks of mothers who thought that I couldn't dance to save my life. (But thanks to a year of it that I found balance and body rhythm.) Everything in my life then was already planned for: where I'll take my internship, graduation date, the place I'll be working after graduation, down to the date when I'll get my promotion. 

But after college, I've decided to deviate from the path that my family planned for me, and forged a new one for myself. I allowed myself to win some and lose some in the process and never took life seriously. Which is actually a good thing when you're in your twenties but in your thirties... Not so much. But let's not talk about it now. 

And unlike Veronika, I decided to cower to death and not face it head on. I'd rather let the universe decide for me, than choose the date on my death certificate.

How to Battle Boredom 101

I've had a week to get settled before I start with my new job, in a new country. It's going nice for me, unless you count the nights that I couldn't sleep (jetlag is a bitch) and the time that I miss my family and friends.

I've been doing some "settling in" and adjusting and I think I just need to fake it some more to make it. I don't want to go the "touristy" way as I will be in this place for quite a while, that means I will have lots of time to explore. 

After I unpacked (within two days, it's a milestone for me!) and settled in in my new place I had nothing to do! I met some new friends who happen to be my next door neighbors, and who also work for the company that I'll be working for. But they work in the day and we only get to meet after work hours. So I've been left on my own during day time. To battle boredom these are the things that I've been doing:

1. Grocery shopping. (But don't get everything, so you'll have an excuse to go back the next day.)

2. Clean your entire place even if it's already immaculately clean. (You don't have OCD, you just need something to do.)

3. Don't buy coffee filters, you'll have a reason to get your fix at a nearest coffee shop and meet a cute barista. (Unfortunately, all baristas I've met are all girls.)

4. Ponder on how to look older. (You're lucky if you look younger than your real age, but it's awkward if you're constantly getting hit on by college boys. Not cool bro err kid.)

5. Eat tapas for breakfast with sangria. (By lunchtime you'll be in bed, sleeping.)

6. Plan your wardrobe for the entire month. (One week of wardrobe won't take much of your time, if needed, plan your wardrobe for the entire year.)

7. Bug your ex-coworkers/friends on viber or messenger while they are at work. (This will lessen your homesickness, big time!)

8. Plan your next trip home, even if it's a year away. (Planning always keeps you occupied.)

9. People watch in a coffee shop. (Who knows, you'll meet your Mr/Miss Right (now). Or maybe you'll meet new people who are as bored as you are.)

10. Read, write or blog. Whatever floats your boat.

New Chapter

It's been a whirlwind couple of months for me. I had, and still have a lot of things going on in my life. I made one of the hardest and at the same time the easiest decision in my life. The easiest was quitting the job that I felt was clipping my wings and the hardest was leaving the people that I've worked with who eventually became my closest friends. And I've also made a decision of leaving my country. 

I'm not a stranger to travelling as I've been doing it with my family ever since I could remember and when I was old enough to travel solo,  I've been unstoppable. Travelling every time I've got the chance: a long weekend, a week away from the hustle and bustle or even just an hour drive out of the city. I love having long drives with my friends but I also treasure solitude. 

I would go miles away from the city just to check-in in a hotel and sleep the entire time. And sometimes have staycation by myself. 

But moving to another country alone is different. It's a lot different from the time that I moved to Manila after college, I was still in the same country, same time zone with my family. Now it's different, I'm not going home any time soon and the time difference is kind of a pain. I'm just about to go to bed while my friends and family's alarms are going off to get ready for work. 

The time that I used to spend with my family and friends doing things is now constrained to chatting and video calling. I'm not complaining though, it's a choice that I made and no one pressured me to do it. And I just have to live with it, three years is not that long. And maybe by then I've already figured out what I want to do with my life.

Being Human.

This is just ironic since my last post was about giving love a try and now I am writing about giving it up.

I know you can never say things like "relationship is not just for me", but I've been feeling that way ever since I could remember. I am a person that wants a relationship badly, but when it hits me in the face, automatically I want out. 

I am the person that wants all or nothing at all. It's either you choose me or lose me. I can't be the person that you just hang or chill with. And truth is I am not getting any younger, I can't be with someone just because we enjoy each other's company, no more no less. I want to be with someone who sees a future with me and I can see a future with. 

I didn't believe in relationships, but with you it's different, all bets were in. And I didn't care about the risks. But it's unfair for me that you just want to string me along with no assurance of a near nor distant future. And it's also not fair that I am not giving other guys a chance because I always seem to compare each of them to you. They can never be you. I'll never know.

What we had was fun, so much fun that I don't want to "end" it. But fun is no longer enough, I care for myself, and I know that you and I will never be something else but just in a limbo. More than friends but less than... I can not even say the word.

Too many loopholes in our borrowed story, and I just don't know what to believe in anymore. And I must be honest that it hurt when you told me last night that you could never lose me because I was never yours to begin with. I knew from the start what we were getting into, but it stings when it comes straight from you. It only confirms what I was so scared to think of. 

I never thought I'd feel that kind of pain again because I was so careful in guarding my emotions. But I must know by now that no amount of guarding will shield me from the pain. Nobody knew, but last night I felt like I was shattered to bits but I can't stay that way for long and had to pick the pieces back up.

I am embarking a new chapter in my life. Moving to a different country with a new job. It is overwhelming, but I think it is better for me. I've been lying to myself telling that it doesn't hurt, but it does. I am just fighting the emotions because it makes me vulnerable and human. And I can't allow that to happen anymore. 

But you must know that I don't harbor ill feelings towards you. I am just going to accept the fact that you are someone that I will never have. You will always have a special place in the hollow of my chest cavity.

Out of the Labyrinth

How did we end up here? It was just supposed to be a simple walk in the park, no complications. But what happened? I ended up battling dragons and deadly giant vines filled with thorns. I was so lost, and felt like giving up. It’s just too damn hard to face all these alone. I needed an escape plan. I was in the verge of drowning in my own sorrows and puddle of tears. The endless darkness is just too hard to bear with no silver lining in sight.

My only assurance is the branch that I've been holding tight. Little did I know that it wasn't a branch, I was over occupied with the things I thought was in front of me and too scared to open my eyes. I started to let go of the said branch, but it wouldn't budge off my hand. Instead I heard a voice that told me to hold on a little longer and asked to open my eyes. And when I finally did, I realized it was you all along! And I've gotten everything wrong.

The fear got the most of me to know that the dragon wasn't a beast that should be feared. The dragon who kept us warm the whole time and it was also him that was lighting our way to the end of the labyrinth. And the vines weren't all that bad, they have thorns, yes. But they also have the most beautiful flowers I've ever seen in my entire life. And they've been the silver lining I needed. That even the deadliest thorns have goodness in them.

Now that I have opened my eyes, I can see everything clearly. No more doubts, just a heart full of love and happiness. And I know that this will be worth all the risks in the world, with you by my side I can be my own superhero and we can rule the world.

What Possesion Could you not Live Without?

I am not a materialistic human being, or maybe I am, but I am not as materialistic as the next person you’re sitting with on the bus or the train. I can live without anything, except air. I went on a couple of days without eating nor doing anything but sleeping. Aside from all things on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which is pretty basic for every human being what I can’t live without is my iPad. My trusty, old, iPad Mini who’s been with me through almost everything and everywhere. I can live without it, of course who am I kidding? But I wouldn’t want to. My iPad is my life, or where I write most of the things that happened in my life. And it is where I get to live different lives, it is full to the brim with all the books that I’ve read, am reading and planning to read. Losing it will make me lose my mind. It also houses all my sketches and all the thoughts that I have when I wake up in the wee hours of the night.

In fact, at this very moment I am typing away this post on it. I would gladly trade my two phones for this, that’s how I love it.