Just Another Update

It’s another long weekend, even longer than the long weekend I had last week. I’m pretty much busy balancing work and my personal life so having a long weekend is a breathe of fresh air. Yes, work takes 70% of my time but I always find time to enjoy the little things in life. 

So to prove to you that I got a life outside work I'm going to chronicle the things that I've done the past two months. It's not much but clearly it will suffice.

1. Participated on a Management Development Program Training. (I know it's still work-related but it didn't feel like one. I had the best time.)
2. Went on a 2-day vacation with family on the beach (and by family I meant cousins)
3. Agreed on two first dates (No thanks to my friends. Not really horrible, but let's just say that they're not second date material.)
4. Had food coma more than thrice. (Yes, I eat and run!)
5. Ran a 10K marathon and finished it! (Yes! I. Did. It! It's now off my bucket list.)
6. Met three new international friends. (Jane, Michelle and Sophie)
7. Got a bit wasted with Kristoff and Louie. (We partied the night away with our 3 new international friends)

I think that pretty much summed up the two months that I've been MIA on this blog. But don't you worry my non-existent readers, I'll try to post 30 more entries this month. See you around. 

Another Blog Challenge

It's Just a Phase, or Forever Single?

This is the only recurring event in my life which never fails to amaze and amuse me. That no matter how I tell myself that I am ready and willing to commit, I can't seem to manage to hold on to a relationship long enough for it to even work on its own. 

But of course, it's not always my fault. Or is it? I don't want to take all the blame. Relationships never fail for just one person's mistakes and shortcomings. There's always a mutual contribution why relationships end and never last.

It sucks how when you've already decided to make it work that it just never does. And you are just left to wonder if that's just how things are meant to be. Is it really destiny that decides when it's meant for you or do you have any off-handed way of making destiny all of a sudden decide that it's not meant for you? Coz lately, I keep thinking that no matter how hard you try and no amount of effort you give would make it work if destiny has decided to just take it away. And take it away, it did.

That's why I never want to talk about it. That's why I never want to shout it to the world because, from experience, whenever I do that, there comes something that just takes everything away as if I just didn't announce how important it is to me. And without any consideration, I am again left with nothing.

Sometimes, I say to myself that the only reason I was never comfortable with break-ups (ok, fine, who ever is comfortable with that anyway?) is that I just never know what to do immediately after it. I always have a bunch of feelings trying to gain domination over my being. I never really do just one thing. I am usually left confused because I never really know whether to cry, break down, fight back or even beg. Sometimes, with the confusion, I tend to do a jumble of everything which, turns out to be hysterical and it always ends up with me just laughing it off for how mature I have been in dealing with it. 

To be honest, I don't loathe being alone. I actually welcome being single again (after all, it seems I am perpertually just that anyway) but I just find that I have never really known how to handle the void which is always left after break-ups. I scramble doing everything all at once just so I don't feel the sudden emptiness. I try to fill the void with whatever I could find, even momentary, just so I don't feel it. That couldn't be right but it's worked for me all these time. It's like self-preservation of some sort.

I'm letting go of something that could still have worked only because he already gave up. I would've wanted to give it another try but I am never going to go back to someone who's already rejected me. I've done what I could and I have no regrets. Would I still go through it again given the chance? Sure. But only for the lessons. Only for that. It's true what they say that if it's too good to be true, it probably is. Well, at least now I know for real.

I couldn't say I never tried. Because I did.

Too bad for him, it's really his loss. 

To My Angel in Red

Tomorrow is the second year that we don't have you in our lives. I can still remember that day, it was Sunday and I just got home from the hospital, I was on the "night shift" with you in the ICU. I barely had an hour of sleep when I got a call and was told that you may be leaving soon. I, as well as everyone in the family felt lost. You were always the one keeping the family together. 

You were the problem solver. You provided us all the things that we needed and wanted. You cooked the best meals, played the best music, the best storyteller ever. You threw the best parties, you were the entertainer, the life of the party. Mommy, I wish I could be half the person that you were. The person who touched so many lives with your profession and your personality.

I didn't think that it would be possible, but your leaving made us stronger and closer. Even when you're gone, you're still the glue that binds us all together. I miss you very single day, and I long for the day that we will be together. It won't be hard for me to spot you, because amongst the angels in heaven.. You are my angel in red. I love you so much mommy. You're the best grandma! 

Conversations with Myself #1

“Kristina what’s the one thing in your life that you dreamed of that you haven’t achieved yet?”

(Yes, I call myself Kristina when I want to knock some sense into my messed up mind. Also that’s what my mom calls me when I’ve done something wrong when I was a kid.)

“Just one thing? Really? Can I have at least ten?”

“No, just one Kristina.”

“But, I have so many….”

“Shush! Seriously, just think of one.”

“Ok, ok. Fine! Honestly, I’m nearing 30 and I have no investments more than a hundred grand. I buy gadgets and clothes, yes. But can you really call those long term investments? Of course not. Also I haven’t quite figured out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I’m really a big ball of beautiful mess.”

“You’ve got quite and introduction there. Just get to the point already.”

“Why are you in a hurry? Anyway, I think the one thing that I haven’t achieved yet is getting my father to be proud of me. I’ve lived my whole life doing things that I thought he would be proud of, but it never happened. So I just stopped.”

“Stopped? How?”

“When I said stopped, I didn’t mean that I stopped doing things. What I meant is I stopped doing things for the sole reason of making my father proud. I still do a lot of things now, but I do it because I want to be proud of myself and also because it makes me happy. I stopped doing things for the wrong reasons. Got it?”

“Yes, got it. Gosh, it’s the first entry for your series and it’s really serious. No wonder nobody reads your blog.”

“Ouch, that hurts. But really, I don’t care if nobody reads this blog. I made this for me, not for anyone else.”

“Attagirl. Till our next conversation.”

Conversations with Myself

I'm talkin' to myself in public, dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talkin' about me
I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think
There must be somethin' wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinkin', somehow I've lost my mind – Matchbox 20, Unwell

The other day while I was on the train, on my way home, a brilliant idea came to my mind. Yes, it is brilliant because it IS my idea. I thought of making a blog series and it will be called “Conversations with Myself”. I actually do this all the time, I talk to myself like I talk to a really good friend. But often times these conversations take place in my mind, because it will be really awkward talking to yourself out loud, in public. It’s like telling the world that you’re crazy, which by the way I’m not (I’m just a little unwell).

So, in the coming entries of my blogsite you will bump into this series. Stay tuned.

P.S. I googled “Conversations with Myself”, and I came to know that Nelson Mandela has a memoir with the same name. Brilliant minds think alike. Hahaha!  

Would You Rather be the Dumpee or the Dumper?

A really close friend and I were talking chatting, this afternoon over Viber while I was trying to reorganize my room for the millionth time. We talked about a lot of stuff; we talked about the things we did when we were younger, our good ol’ college days and of course the guys that we dated. We visited our exes’ Facebook pages and tried to get some hints on where they are now and what they look like. And we both have the same conclusion, “thank god we didn't end up together”. They’re not really that bad they're actually family men now, we just think that if our relationships worked out, we won’t be able to do the things that we were or still able to do. For sure, we would be married by now, have kids and maybe become full-time housewives. God, I can’t picture myself not going to work every day! We had a good laugh and then out of the blue my friend asked me this question: Would you rather be the dumpee or the dumper?

I've been both the dumper and the dumpee at some point of my life, but I've always been a dumper. No, it's not a proud moment for me. In fact, I see it as my weakest point. I am a commitmentphobe, so basically I am pistanthrophobic as well. Pistanthrophobia if you ask is a fear of trusting people. If you dig deep or read through my posts in this blog you will know that this fear is caused by the things that happened before I've even reached my teenage years. My father was my most favorite person in the world. My father and I did almost all things together, I was the typical daddy's girl. Then a terrible thing happened, my parents broke up when I was still in second grade and from then on my brother and I stayed with my maternal grandparents while my mom was making a living here in the metro. My father used to write us letters every month, then the letters became cards that were only sent during our birthdays and Christmases and after a couple of years he just stopped. From fourth grade to college I had no contact with him. And  because of that I've come to accept that you can't trust anyone because even your greatest personal superhero won't be there for you. 

So much of the history and flashbacks (I'm teary-eyed again, when will this ever stop?) now back to the real reason why I'm writing this blog post. I'm a scaredy-cat when it comes to relationships, when I feel that it's getting serious I back out like I'm on autopilot. Hence, the dumper. If you think that the dumpers' situation is easier... no, it's definitely not! But because I have this selfish thought that I'd rather be someone who will cause pain now than be pained on a greater scale later, it justifies me being the dumper. 

I've experienced being the dumpee too more than I wanted to be. And that's one of the reasons why I became a dumper. Being a dumpee brings your morale so low that it will reach the center of the earth and it'll be hard for you to bring it back up. It'll take too much work and time to bring it back to the face of the earth. And when you're able to do so, you open up and then unknowingly you're sinking back to the center of the earth once again. It's a vicious cycle. It's like you're only given time to stand back up just so they'll be able to push you down once again. 

Now that I thought about it I realized that I need to shed my selfish thoughts and faux strength and let things take it's natural course. I'd rather be hurt than be the person who causes hurt. I know it'll be hard for me because I love myself way too much to allow myself to be pained but I know it is the right thing to do. 

PS I actually don't leave a person because he doesn't like me or I don't like him (I can't say love, because it really is a big word for me. And I'll only be able to say it when I mean it.), actually it's the other way around. I leave him because I think I like him or he likes me too much and I'm afraid that I'll hurt myself in the process. Selfish, yes. Dumping someone is kind of a self-defense for me. But definitely not healthy emotionally. And so I came to a conclusion that from now on, I'd rather be the dumpee than the dumper. But if you're not in a healthy relationship and worst you're being abused, being a dumpee is not an option. Go ahead and dump that person ASAP!

Guilty as Charged

A Different Kind of Different

It's been only a couple of months since I started with my new job, but I feel like I've been working here for the longest time. I've made friends that I feel that I've known my entire life. The company that I'm working for now is very different from the one I had before. For starters, the company that I'm currently working for is a manufacturing company, and the one that I used to work for is a BPO. In my previous company it was an industry dominated by Starbucks-drinking, Marlboro-smoking, early-morning-beer-drinking yupsters but here in my present company it's almost the exact opposite. Most of the people working here have worked for at least 10 years in the company, some have even reached 30 years. And in this company, no one gives a rat's ass if you're wearing anything high-end fashion or you're sipping Starbucks coffee latte. For some, they will think that the environment is laid-back and if I were still in my early 20's it would have me running away. But it's a different story for me now, I actually love it here. It's a breath of fresh air, literally. I am far away from the chaos of the concrete jungle (but it's also just a train ride away). Being here almost feels like I'm in the countryside. There's a green (used to be green but since it's summer, it's now a bit brownish) meadow in the complex with cows grazing, and fruit-bearing trees in every corner.

Working here feels like helping out with your family business, as (almost) everyone here treats each other like family. It's apparent during the end of the workday where those with cars or motorcycles will give you a ride towards the gate which is about a quarter, but feels like half of a mile walk. But don't worry, we also have a shuttle servicing employees to and from the gate, but it leaves 15 minutes past 5. So I'd rather walk than wait. I hope that I'll be able to top the years that I've worked with my first and previous company, as I'm planning to stay here longer for the new friends that I've made and the company itself.

The In-Between

People who just got out of a relationship say that it sucks being in one, and Singletons also say that it sucks being not in one. I've been part of the Singletons' club for so long that I can't even remember. It's not that I lived in a cave and no one dared to approach me, it's just a personal choice. I love having my freedom, I love spending time with myself. Let's just say that I love the perks that came with being single. Also, I don't want to be in a relationship because it just spells trouble. Hey, that's just me. So my friends who are in a relationship, you can lower your eyebrows now, I can already see them up to your scalps. I'm not generalizing, merely voicing out my own opinion.

I'm the type of person that doesn't want labels. We are what we are, no need to define. If we both enjoy each others company, then good. But don't expect that I'll give you anything more than that. Take it or leave it. But then something happened that changed the course of the wind...

I met someone like me, someone who isn't into relationships and anything that resembles one. I agreed with the situation that we had, just enjoying every moment that we've spent together. Then the unthinkable happened, I broke my own rules! And the rare times that I let my walls down, it just always have the same ending. I think I had him running for the hills, literally. Because I haven't heard a single word from him for almost a couple of weeks now.

Why don't I ever learn? Maybe I'm a masochist and just don't know it? But it wasn't just me, he also said some things that made me changed my mind about him, about us. He told me things that a girl would melt for. I thought he was serious, but now that I stepped back and can see the big picture, all I see is that he's a smooth criminal and I was the voluntary victim.

I have no regrets, I had fun. We had fun. But I just wish that he had let me know the reason why he ended whatever we had. I deserve to know, I was part of the "non-equation". And whatever it is, I would understand. For sure the truth can't be worst than what I'm imagining in my head.

I don't know what to call the thing that we had. But it was fun while it lasted. I'm a realist, so I don't always expect a happy ending. But I'm also an optimist so I can say that we or I, had a happy in-between.

If ever I'll get the chance to have kids someday, I won't raise them to believe in happy endings. I would encourage them to live for the happy in-betweens, it makes life easier to understand. It's not the destination that counts, but the journey towards that...

Wander Woman

Yes, I am a wanderlust, a citizen of the world! What I wanted to do this year is to travel even more. I know that it is not possible given the circumstances that I am currently in but still I wish that I'll be able to. 

I'm not sure what 2013 has in store for me but I don't worry a bit about it. I love the feeling of uncertainty. It's simple and easy: No Expectations, No Frustrations. I promised someone that I won't beat myself up anymore every time something happened. I will go easy on me this year, live each day. No plans, maps or whatsoever, I'm going where the road will take me. More leaps of faith. Letting go of the life I've planned for me.

And this my friends, is my ultimate wish! I wish I were a billionaire and be able to afford this. Someday....

Reading is my Passion

Saw someone today stifling a laugh over a book she was reading in a public place. Most people there thought she was crazy or weird, but I felt envious towards her. It is just the greatest feeling when you found THAT book that can convey the strongest emotion in you. I'm definitely reading what she was reading and see for myself. :-)

When I was Younger...

• I’d put my arms in my shirt and told people I lost my arms. 
• Would restart the video game whenever I knew I was going to lose. 
• Slept with all my dolls as a child so none of them got offended.
• Had that one pen with 4 colors, and tried to push all the buttons at once. 
• Poured soda into a cup and acting like I were drinking coffee. 
• The hardest decision was choosing which Nintendo game to play. 
• Waited behind a door to scare someone, then leave because they’re taking too long.
• Faked being asleep, so I could be allowed to play afterwards. 
• Used to think that the moon followed the car, this applies to trees as well.
• Watching two drops of rain roll down the window and pretending it was a race. 
• The only ‘fake’ friends i had were invisible ones . 
• I used to sing in the shower. (Now? I make life decisions in there now).
• Swallowed a fruit seed I was scared to death that a tree was going to grow in my tummy. 

Bruised knees heals better than a broken heart.

Remember when we were kids and couldn't wait to grow up…what the hell were we thinking?

This Year (2013)

This doesn't count as New Year's resolution, does it? Anyway, I'll try to be this person this year. Yes to think positively and dance more! 

Also, one thing that I'll never try to be....

My Life: Year-End Report

We've finally reached the last day of 2012, in fact it's just over an hour more and we'll all be saying sayonara to 2012. And by WE, I meant all the people who live in the same timezone as I am. 

And for the sake of my sanity and for this promise I made myself half a decade ago that I am going to post a blog entry before the year ends. (Also, expect another entry tomorrow as I've made another promise to make an entry at the start of the new year.) So here goes Kriann's Life Year-End Report.

2012 is a leap year, and I myself made one too many leaps of faith this year. Also I got to do some stuff that I have't done yet, or haven't done in a really long time. This year isn't exactly the best year of my life yet, but I've tried to make the most of it. Actually, if I were to be honest this year is the best and the worst of my life. 

The worst year because it's the year that I quit my job after 7 years of working in the same company. Also, it's the year when I live off of my parent's money. My mom helped me get my bills paid, seriously isn't that embarrassing?  A grown woman mooching off her mother for her bills! Also, this year I've been my lowest. I had no self-confidence, self-respect whatsoever, and I forgot that I was Miss Positivity for 26 years! Thank god for my mom for reminding me that I am worth more than I give myself credit for. Also, I just broke my record of being single for the loooooongest time. Well, if this continues next year, I'm pretty sure I'll be breaking my personal record yet again.

And now on to the reasons why it's the best. Wait, the first two on my worst list, is also the first two on my best list! I've finally decided to quit the job that I don't love. I've grew the balls to say goodbye to the job that I've been complaining about for forever. Also, I think it's quite a good thing having your mom pay your bills don't you think? IT'S A BLESSING! Again, thank god for moms! Also, I realized that I am human, I am allowed to be sad and break every once in a while. As Jessie J puts it, "it's ok not to be ok". And hell yeah, it does! 

This year, I got to do a whole lot of traveling. I also got to know myself better than I did before. I did a lot of writing, although I've yet to finish them. I'm really that kind of person who loves to start doing everything at once, so can you please forgive me? Maybe before 2013 ends, I'll be able to finish them all. Fingers crossed. I've also got to spend a lot of time with family and friends. 

My only regret is that I could have learned a new language or acquired a new skill with the free time that I had, but I didn't. Because I'm a slacker. I can hear Maura Isles in my head.

"Three months. You could have read all of Shakespeare, you know? Learned Finnish. Instead you've become a platinum member of the shopping channel."

She's actually right, except for becoming a platinum member of the shopping channel because do I have to remind everybody that I am broke? Instead of learning a new language or acquiring a new skill I think Maura Isles will still be proud of me because I've watched each episode of Rizzoli and Isles. Not just once, but I think more than thrice. I hope next year will be so much better than  2012, I seriously hope so. 

Bitter Isn't the New Black

I've read the book entitled Bitter is the New Black, and it inspired me to write this entry. 

Jen Lancaster was living the sweet life-until real life kicked her to the curb. 

She had the perfect man, the perfect job-hell, she had the perfect life-and there was no reason to think it wouldn't last. Or maybe there was, but Jen Lancaster was too busy being manicured, pedicured, highlighted, and generally adored to notice. 

This is the smart-mouthed, soul-searching story of a woman trying to figure out what happens next when she's gone from six figures to unemployment checks and she stops to reconsider some of the less-than-rosy attitudes and values she thought she'd never have to answer for when times were good. 

Filled with caustic wit and unusual insight, it's a rollicking read as speedy and unpredictable as the trajectory of a burst balloon.

I kind of had or have the same story. I won't say I was a woman in power before I quit my job, but I kind of did have that. I was the only woman in a department of 14, and a senior IT. Well, I think they got really no choice, I've been with the company for 7 years. So I was a senior, in terms of years being with the company I worked for. After reading the book (which by the way I read a few weeks before quitting my job), I took the risk of quitting my job. I had no back-up plan whatsoever but I still did it anyway.

It was hard, no, it is still hard. I've no idea what I signed up for, or better yet what I resigned for. I don't know how to be idle, the longest I've been out of work is when I requested a month's break, but that was spent travelling. So, it was kind of a different story. But when I resigned, it was for real! It's been over 5 months since I quit my job, I haven't got a job yet technically. I got hired, but I will be starting next month. But to be utterly honest I don't know if that's what I really want to do. I've been trying to figure out what my dream job is, to not make the same mistake again. And waste another 7 years of my life trapped in a job that I don't love. Well, it pays the bills so I have no choice but to love it. But still, I want to do something that doesn't feel like a job because I am passionate about it. I envy those people who have finally found their niche in life. I wish I were one of them.

I started to regret my decision, and currently second guessing myself. I am in no way having my ducks in line. If anything, my ducks are quite a mess, they're in a very crooked line! I spend almost every night reviewing everything that's happened the past months, and at the same time wondering what if I never quit? I am a total wreck these days. Not knowing where to go next. I always say that everything happens for a reason, and I really hope that there's a reason behind all these. Being a grown up really sucks, but I can never be bitter about. I know myself well, and I know I'm not the type of person that dwells on what ifs and what nots.  I'll never be bitter about life. I can make it through this.

Fame is the new Black

About a decade ago or way far back, when you ask a kid what he or she wants to be when he or she grows up you’ll get varied answers. Answers like becoming a doctor, a nurse, a lawyer, a teacher, a fireman, a policeman or a policewoman. Kids from decades ago choose a future profession not mainly because it pays more or because it has a lot of benefits like health insurance or paid vacation leaves. But it’s all because they wanted to help their family or the community they were in.

As a kid my greatest dreams were of becoming a doctor despite my fear of blood because I wanted to cure the sick people, and a cashier. I had this crazy idea that the persons behind the check-out counters were the richest people on earth. No, I didn’t want to be the richest person on earth just because, but I wanted to be able to provide for my family and my neighbors. I thought that if I were rich enough I would be able to buy all my friends toys and other stuff.  As I grew older, my dreams eventually changed every birthday.  I wanted to be a lawyer, an architect, a teacher, and it came to the point that I just wanted to pass the exams and graduate high school.

Kids these days are a lot different. Their dreams no longer include being a doctor, a nurse, a lawyer or a teacher. A cashier maybe, because like me, they thought that they’ll be able to take home all the day’s sales. All kids want these days is to be famous. They won’t stop at anything to be famous. All along I thought people wanted to be famous because of the fortune it comes with.  But even some of the persons (no longer kids) on Forbes list or D-list celebrities wanted to be (more) famous. Even if that means making and ‘leaking’ their very own sex tapes, or getting into anything that screams scandalous and publicity.

Like Spiderman said, “With great power comes great responsibility”. And for sure we all know that fame literally translates power, that’s why everyone wants it on the first place. I get that fame and fortune is a package deal, no wonder everyone wants to be one (or both) at some point of their lives. One of the advantages of being famous is getting everything that you want, material wise. A mansion in West Hollywood, a penthouse with a view of Central Park, a beach house in Malibu or the Hamptons or a ski/summer house in Aspen.  Jet setting to anywhere in the globe, getting all the most expensive things this world could offer. And the biggest advantage of being famous is that you can influence people. You can use this advantage to do good, promote change and make a mark in this world.

But when you come to think about it, fame and fortune is not all it’s cracked up to be. When you’re famous, everything is magnified. The mundane things or stuff a normal person does, becomes blown up when you’re famous, it becomes the headlines of the tabloids or gossip sites the following day. The whole world is like a vulture waiting for you to screw up and relentlessly eat and peck until there’s nothing left of you. You’re treated as if you’re not capable of emotions. And the saddest part of this is that famous people are expected to put on a game face even when they are dying inside.

This is the kind of life people wants these days, no matter what it takes. I don’t want to be called hypocrite and tell you that I don’t dream of becoming famous every once in a while because I do. Who wants to pass up on something like that? But I’m also just as contented with the simple life I’m living, so long as I get to help and inspire people in my little way. But if given the chance, I’ll take becoming somebody famous’ girlfriend or wife, it’s easier. That way I don’t have to deal with fame directly. I can’t be Prince William’s wife, that spot has been taken but there’s still one unmarried prince. It’s enough to keep my hopes up.

Photo credit:  Nour-T

My Favorite Things

It’s been raining non-stop for over a week now. I love this kind of weather but as the Spice Girls’ song goes “ too much of something is bad enough…”. If it were just up to me I would like it to rain every single day. Rainy days are what I live for! I look forward to bed weather, I want to just curl up in bed all day. Or go the cinematic way by sitting by the window watching the heavy downpour outside while sipping a cup of hot chocolate with mallows on top. I’m that kind of girl. Not romantic, but a girl who loves lazy days.

But I can never be selfish. I know heavy rains will have siblings in tow. There’s flooding, heavy traffic jam, damaged livelihoods, suspensions of classes and many more. They’re a big family actually. A big family that causes chaos most of the time. I don’t blame the rain though, rain’s intentions are good, but it’s her siblings are the problem.

Because of this weather, I thought about my favourite movie growing up: The Sound of Music. The kids in the movie are scared of the storm, so Maria sang a song that would make them feel better. And that song is the inspiration for this blog entry. And here’s a list of my favourite things:

A warm glass of milk. I’m really my mom’s daughter as she loves milk as much as I do.

Chocolates, any kind except for dark. I can’t stand the bitter taste of it.

The smell of books, doesn’t matter whether old or new. The smell is just so hypnotizing for me.

The smell of freshly cut grasses. It brings back a lot of memories from when I was still a kid growing up in the province.

The ocean breeze.

Letters. I’m quite old-fashioned, I love the feeling of actually opening a mail. And I think it’s more personal than those e-mails or Facebook messages that I’ve been receiving.

A piano, it reminds me of my grandma. She was a great piano player and mentor. She taught me how to play the piano at a young age.

Fluffy pillows. I admit I’m a bit OC, I prefer my pillows fluffed before and after I go to bed.

Pajamas! The best type of clothing ever made in my opinion. They’re very comfortable that you want to sleep in them. Pun intended.

Any blue-colored flower. Why blue you ask? It’s because I think red, white, pink, orange and yellow flowers are so common. You see them almost everywhere, but you rarely see blue flowers.

These are just the things that I can think of on top of my head. Again, I’ll pretend that I got readers on this blog and I will ask you to share your favourite things with me too.

Everything is Not as it Seems

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you feel that you will do anything and everything just to get it? I have, or should I say I had. I wanted this "thing" so bad the moment I heard and learned about it. I tried my best just to have it, I spent nights learning things that are relevant for that matter. I competed against myself, and outdid myself eventually.

It culminated yesterday, I got that "thing" that I've been dreaming of for weeks. And I've never been disappointed in my whole life. This "thing" that I thought was everything... well it wasn't. It's not everything I thought it would be, not remotely close. And today, I've decided to let go of it. Not that I don't want any challenges, I overcame many just to lead to this day. But it all dawned on me that it isn't worth it.

I don't have regrets doing what I did, because I'm a believer of "everything happens for a reason". I just learned that even our biggest dreams aren't flawless. Fulfilling a dream doesn't guarantee happiness. Sometimes maybe oftentimes, it's just all about the hype. We are blinded by our wanting to fulfill that dream so bad so that we can prove to ourselves that we can do anything that we wanted.

Lesson learned.. Moving on...

Have a good day everyone!

An Open Letter to Kareena Kapoor

Dear Kareena,

I'm Kriann from the Philippines. I am a huge fan! The moment I laid eyes on you on my TV screen while watching 3 Idiots I instantly fell under your spell. Then I googled you and watched all your films. I even watched all your TV guestings even when most of the time I only understand bits and pieces of the whole conversation.

But what must one do to catch your attention? To let you know of my existence? Especially for someone that lives timezones away from you? Someone who only knows a handful of Hindi phrases? So, I put on my thinking cap and these are the ideas that I came up with:

I thought about faking my identity and tell you that I'm the Philippines' presidential daughter. But that won't be possible as our president is the most eligible man in the country. He doesn't have a daughter that the country knows of. I would be putting myself at risk if I told you that. Risk from being kidnapped and/or being chased by the local authorities for constructing lies about the president's life.

I also thought of playing the sick and dying card, but that's just sad and at the same time difficult. What if you bought my story and it reached the media? Sooner or later you'll all be wondering why my health isn't deteriorating or worst why I'm still alive? I just can't stomach that, that's just too low even for a fanatic like me.

Then I thought about going the Hugh Grant way in Notting Hill: pretending to be someone from a magazine. It's much easier than any of my other options. I used to write for our school paper in high school and college, so I could just easily wing it. I could make a mock magazine in just a couple of hours. I think I could get away with it.

I could actually do everything that I have thought of. But I didn't. No matter what option, I would still be deceiving myself and especially you, and that I can't take.

So, trashing all my "brilliant" ideas... I just settled with writing an open letter to you. Pray that someday, somehow it will reach your hands. One day when I get to visit your country, you would invite me for a cup of coffee, or tea, or water or whatever. I don't really care, as long as I will meet you in person. But for now, I'll just settle for you and me having an animated conversation over a cup of coffee in my head.

Dreaming to be your friend,

Kriann